|
if i could Once again the journal has been suffering from the lack of any real content. Details and emotions are being dropped on a daily basis. What it comes down to is that when I put pressure on myself to make something better, I almost always lock up. So here I go again with hopefully better results. With the relaxed atmosphere of the weekend, I tend to remember my dreams more than I do during the rest of the week. Just like anyone else when I don't have to be up at a certain time, I"ll just roll back over until I feel like getting up for the day. When I do this dreams stay with me a little longer than when I am rushed. Two fragments stayed with me this morning. One of them was with my as of yet not met girlfriend and in the other one I quit my job and returned to my old company. The second dream was the far less believable of the two. I highly doubt that they would let me back at my old company even if I wanted to go back. It isn't as though they were pushing me out the door when I left, but my attitude was less than positive when I was there. What made the dream even more odd was the amazing reception that they gave me. I'm not sure what brought this silly revenge dream into being, but it was fun to watch. On the other hand this might mean that I'm not as happy at my job as I might think that I am. In general I have to say that my life is at a good point. Economically speaking I am at the highest level I have ever been at in my working career. I drive a nice car. I am healthy. I also like to think that I am reasonably intelligent, but I have no idea what I want to do next with my life. There is one part of me that prefers to just let life happen. Then I start to think some more and wonder if I'll be dead some time next year and I should start being more aggressive in life. My opinion on this seems to change on a daily basis. As far as work goes I can predict how the rest of the week will play out. Tonight will be the awkward adjustment of being back at work, when most of the staff has already been there for a few days. I also get to look forward to doing a project at work that I don't quite understand, because the directions that I got last week were a little vague. There might even be some fallout from a problem that happened Sunday morning on my shift. The problem is that none of this really matters to me. Oh, I don't want to lose my job, but at the same time it is not what drives me. It is simply somewhere that I need to be so that I can get something else. Of course this probably doesn't make me that much different from anyone else in middle class America. Sometimes I like where my life is going, but at the same time I am always making minor adjustments to it. Now here I am four months away from turning thirty and part of me would still love to quit my job and just travel the world for a year. I would start in Canada cross the Atlantic to Europe continue on through Africa and Asia and then come home through South America. Of course I can't afford any of this and I am too scared to be some kind of drifter so here I sit reading about those places in books and magazines. They say that a person appreciates home more when he has been away and that might be true. My life is very comfortable compared to how other people in the world live, but that still doesn't stop me from wanting to see some of it in person. Russia would be a good example. It sounds so distant from anything that I have ever experienced and that makes it that much more interesting to me. The people are living in a country that is basically a mess after the collapse of communism. Here is this old beaten down country struggling with the negative side of capitalism, such as crime and prostitution. These people go for months at a time without getting pad. An unemployment rate of twenty percent is not uncommon, yet these people still live. I know that I wouldn't want to live like them, but it would still be something to see if just for a short time. In the book that I am reading they say that Russian people don't want to live long like we do in America. They drink hard and aren't afraid to die. It isn't a country for soft people, but maybe I am making it sound too romantic. More than likely I would probably think that the country is insane if I were there. Even though it makes me sound as though I were twelve, there are so many things in the world that I want to see before I die. I want to see the Great Wall of China and The Forbidden City. I want to see the Sistine Chapel. I want to see the plains of Africa. I want to be an explorer when there isn't anything left to explore. There are so many things in this world that impress me and making a lot of money is not one of them. What I want is something different from life. I want to be someone who gets the most out of life and not someone who works himself into the ground for someone else. So often I crave some kind of life that isn't ordinary, yet I fear that I'll probably crumble sometime in the next five years. The urge to keep running will have abandoned me and I'll settle down into a suburban life. For though the moment though, I am young and I still like to rebel when I can. Suddenly I feel as though I should cackle or something. Maybe I'll just tilt my head back, laugh and let the wind blow through my hair. Sigh.
|