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equinox After two days of some good sleep and a small bout of diarrhea, I am feeling much better than I was a few days ago. My best guess is that I was probably suffering from a mild case of food poisoning. Something tells me that the hamburger that I made the other day wasn't cooked well enough. Once it was out of my system, I felt better almost immediately. Before I left work this morning, a coworker asked me how long I had been at the company. She thought that it had been two years, but actually it's been just a little over a year. Maybe I should see that as some kind of a compliment. I must seem comfortable enough with what I am doing and that makes me feel good about myself. Of course there are still the times when I have no idea what I am doing and have to ask for help from someone else. In some ways, the year went by pretty fast and most of what I do now was new to me when I started so I don't think that it was a waste of my time. I have no idea how my second year here will be. Being here makes a solid three years in a job field that has absolutely nothing to do with my major. In the beginning it used to bother me, but it doesn't that much anymore. There is certainly potential in what I do and it pays well enough. Besides the real hard years for me were between the ages of twenty-three and twenty-six, where I was still making the transition from college student to a member of the everyday world of work. The movie Reality Bites was new at the time and I loathed it and anything else that the media spat out about the concept of generation x. Now I let most of that crap just drift on by without giving it a second thought. I don't see myself as part of a movement or generation. I see myself as an individual able to shape my own destiny. To be blunt where I am now is paradise compared to the conditions I was living under back when I just got out of college. Then when I was twenty-six it looked as though I was settling down into the family style of living. Tracy and I were together trying to set up a nice place for her, her son and myself. At the time, I thought that I could do it, but it all fell apart so easily. The harsh reality at the time was that Tracy was far less responsible than I thought she was and there was no way that I could support three people on my salary at the time. Of course Tracy accused me of not giving her a chance and said that I ran at the first sign of trouble. I disagree. Over and over I took the brunt of the money problems and got promises from her that it wouldn't happen again. Now with three years of hindsight, I am amazed that I even tried to do it or lasted as long as I did. Removed from all of the emotions at the time, I can call it a lesson in life, which would have been impossible to do when I was in the middle of it. Then again people say that a person will do anything for love. With my thirtieth birthday two months away, I can not imagine me being a parent. I wouldn't say that I soured on the idea of parenthood from what happened with Tracy and Christopher. Brenda certainly thought that this was the case and told me so more than once. I just want to spend more time on myself, before I devote my life to taking care of someone else. Being a father is not something that I want now and maybe not ever. I can see my life just ending with me. There doesn't have to be a part of me that lives on in a child. On the other hand if I do have children, I'll probably fight for as long as I can against the suburban style of life. I just can't imagine myself driving a mini-van or hanging out at Chucky Cheese. Somehow I think that I would a different kind of parent, but I could be wrong. All of this talk of children is a moot point. I need to find a girlfriend somewhere along the way first, but that is slow going for now. Besides my life really is open to endless possibilities and I want to keep it that way. The only problem is that I have to start making my decisions a little faster about what I want to do with it.
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