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the unknown catalyst With having two years of the journal to review, I can see that I keep asking myself the same questions over and over. The obvious cliche would be that I still haven't found what I am looking for in life. One would hope that I've learned something about myself. One would hope that I've made some kind of progress, but there are days when I wonder. I do envy my friend Dan to a small degree, but I'm not sure if I would have made the same sacrifices that he did. He goes without far more than I do. Since I've been out of college, I've grown accustomed to a certain standard of living. There are things that I want in life and I need to have a good paying job to get them. Maybe somewhere along the way I've become more mainstream than I thought. I guess that I prefer to work within the system more than he does. Talking with Dan does help me to see things in a different way, which might be why we have been friends for so long. Of course all of the people that are important to me affect me in some way. For instance after I was with Tracy, I saw life a little differently. Her general philosophy on life was that she would never get old. She might age, but she would always be young inside. It was what made her happy. This simple approach worked for her, but wasn't enough for me. I wanted more. I'll be the first to admit that whenever I date someone it does expand my horizon and that might be what I need in life now. Suddenly I'll have this woman in my life who loves me and wants the best for me. She wants to spend her life with me and be the center of my world. All of this sounds great except that for me something always seems to go wrong. Something falls apart and I have to rethink everything that was important to me. What I once thought was true about myself changed without me realizing it. Then again maybe building and destroying one's vision of the world until it finally holds together is the whole point of life.
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