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Summer returns For the first time since I have been back here, I managed to sleep through the entire night without waking up once. I suppose that this must be indicative of something, but I'm not sure if I want to guess why anymore. For anyone that might be wondering, I no longer sleep on the floor. Earlier this week I moved from the floor of my livingroom to the couch. My futon is caught in the disarray that passes for my bedroom at the moment. I'm sure that I probably haven't made it clear here that I was the one who said no when Brenda asked if we should live together. From her point of view, it was I who rejected her. She didn't disagree with me though and I have this feeling that her mind was made up despite what I would have said. She always did predict the worst when it came to me. Maybe we loved each other enough to walk away, but not enough to stay together. My concern was that my life would become wholly hers and I would no longer be me. These silly little ineffectual words here were all that I had to myself. I didn't think that it was so wrong to keep something to myself. I know women do that all of the time when it comes to their boyfriends or husbands. Not everything is meant to be shared. Maybe I am wrong and someone will prove me wrong in the future, but for now that is how I feel. Brenda would never have viewed this journal the same way that I do. I doubt that she ever tried to create anything in her life. A small part of me felt that this was why she wanted a child so badly. Being a mother would be a way to validate herself to her parents. She would sacrifice herself, but expected to be rewarded for her efforts. It was a case of look at how much I have given of myself. Doesn't this make me a good person? The book of Job comes to my mind all of a sudden. Maybe this explains why she worked in retail all of her life. She was used to a lifetime of giving. More than once she said that she always felt as though she were being taken advantage of by people. Being in retail is not a good way to break this feeling. I can't believe that I just said what I did, but I said it. Oh yes, I can be very cruel. I can dance and weave words around a person if I feel the need. I can quite easily be an arrogant prick. Brenda said that I used the word obviously with a devasting effect. I also felt that Brenda never understood what I was saying. I could talk and talk, but the words seemed to hold no meaning for her. She on the other hand said that I never talked. As far as I could tell her favorite form of communication was arguing which to me is the opposite of communication. None of this matters anymore though so I'll just let it go. Friday night for many people means a time to party and socialize. The work week is over and its time to play. Here in Milwaukee its time to kick back a few brews at the local tavern and cut loose. None of this seems to apply to me though. Oh, I could walk down the street to the local sports bar, but I don't feel the need to do it. Instead of going out, I felt like being pretentious tonight and watched the film Blue again. Its been years since I have last seen it and it still works for me. Every time that I watch it, I am completely drawn into the film. The plot is simple. A woman is the only survivor in a car crash that involves her husband, her daughter and her. We watch her struggle with this loss and see how she rebuilds her life. Her husband was a composer, but through the course of the film we learn that it was her that wrote the music. In some ways its the music that keeps her alive. Music. It sounds so simple, but it can have such a powerful affect. I have never been able to create music and I admire the people that can. To be able to create something that can overwhelm the senses is amazing. Lightning is in the sky heralding the coming rain for tonight. I wonder if it will affect my dreams.
audio input at the moment: classical music station
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