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not very sublime To continue on from yesterday, I am not saying that my life is boring. I am smart enough to know that I can change my life. I know that my destiny is my own and I do believe in free will. What I am saying is that I am always searching for something new that makes me think. I want to experience life. I want to live the most that I can. So many people settle for something less and I will admit that I am guilty of that myself at times, but I keep trying or at least I hope that I do. I'm not sure why I reacted the way that I did to American Beauty, because to borrow a phrase from an old Smiths song, it said nothing to me about my life. I guess that I let all of the hype surrounding it affect me. Most of the time I can ignore whatever the media pumps out, but this time I believed it. For instance, I had no desire to see The Blairwitch Project when the media latched on to it and the more that I heard about it, the less that I wanted to see it. Even now I doubt that I'll rent it when it comes out on video. As to whether or not the suburban version of the American dream lies in my future, I can't say. Like most people I want certain things from life. I want to be loved and love someone else in return, but my life does not always coincide with the imaginary American dream. At the moment the idea of being married for fifteen years is beyond me. The longest that I've ever lived with a woman was eight months and that was a struggle. I congratulate the people that can do it, but for now it isn't a part of my life. For most of the year, I have been content to focus on myself. Now with the year winding down it would be nice to start seeing someone again. I'm not looking for something all encompassing, but it would be nice to have someone to hold every once in a while. I don't think that I've touched or kissed a woman in nearly a year and needs to change.
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