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a heart in winter Last night when I walked into work I must have looked as miserable as I felt, because more than one person said that I looked like hell. After hearing it a few times, I started to think that there just might be some truth to the phrase that a person looks as good as he or she feels. The fifteen minutes that I had to sit in a meeting seemed like forever to me last night. Anywhere but there would have better for me as I struggled to keep my eyes open. To be blunt all that I wanted to do was curl into a ball and sleep for years, but I couldn't and didn't. Then somewhere near two in the morning just as I had predicted in the entry for yesterday I started to feel better again. After work I watched the French film, Un Coeur En Hiver, for the first time. It had been recommended to by Amazon since I ordered a copy of the film Blue through them. On the surface the only thing that the two films have in common is that they both revolve around French women who are musicians, but that was enough for me. Something about women who devote their lives to music really attracts me. Part of me believes that if I ever met a woman who played the cello I would be lost in an instant. In the film two men run a business of repairing musical instruments. One of them finds the clients while the other one does the actual repairs. The arrangement works perfectly until one of them falls in love with one of the clients. Then as the film moves forward the woman starts to fall in love with the other man, but he doesn't want her or at least he says that he doesn't. At first I suspected that maybe the Stephan character was gay, but then he started to remind me of the main character in The Stranger by Camus. Both of them possessed the same kind of emotional detachment from other people. Love and other emotions meant nothing to them. They knew how to manipulate people and liked to play games on a very intellectual level devoid of any false sentiment. Nothing could cause them to falter. They could just rise above it all. It was amazing how cold he could be to her in the film and then some of what she said to him in one scene reminded me of what past girlfriends have said to me. Just like him I do build up walls around myself and keep people at a distance. I do like to antagonize people from time to time just to seem what will happen. Most of all I try to never raise my voice when I argue. I remove all emotion from myself and focus on the words. Suddenly language becomes my best weapon and I very seldom except defeat. These final traits make me seem like an arrogant prick to most people. Then again another cliche says that we hurt the ones we love the most.
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