God, that Siobhan is really good, isn't she? This is excellent - and excellently creepy. Especially for me, considering the book I got today. I'll go in to that in a minute.

And Siobhan again, talking to telemarketer on the phone:

"Well, I wish I could help you out, but as it happens, I actually don't have a telephone."

I am so saying that the next time MCI calls me.

And speaking of journals, this is from Beth:

"...he'll clean the toilet when it needs it, but admits that he's never seen a toilet too gross to pee in."

That made me laugh right out loud. Women just live in another world, don't they? Bathroom-wise, I mean. And it's so true. I've peed in many a toilet that I wouldn't even consider sitting down on. But girls always have to sit down! That must get so old. Heck, even if the toilet in question is full-to-brimming we men can just go outside and let 'er rip in the great outdoors.

It's a fine thing, being a man.

So yeah, I'm back. Did you miss me?

London was wonderful - and don't worry, I wrote everything down. Looking back over my notes, though, I'm afraid it's not too gripping a narrative. Just me and Sonya and Kent and James, wandering around the big city, being tourists.I know you people want to read it, though, 'cause everything I do is interesting. Right? So you'll be seeing the unedited story of the London trip in the near future. Watch for it!

A few notes about the trip:

• London is cold and windy, though it did not rain on us even once. And it was never foggy.
• Every time I blew my nose this horrid black stuff came out. My fellow travellers reported similar experiences. The air in London must be very dirty.
• Stonehenge is smaller than you'd think, but it is a very moving, very special place.
• Subways are fun! You see the best and worst people on them.
• Them English people like their jean dark, dark blue. And they have fine beer.
• The Guinness reps are quite liberal with the free beer and t-shirts. It was a great St. Patrick's Day.

  And did you know that on Northwest's international flights that the booze is free? How cool is that? I didn't drink, both because I thought you had to pay and because there's nothing more miserable than a hangover on a plane. Next time, though, I'll be the one who shits on the service cart. This English couple sitting next to me and Sonya on the way back were totally rocking the Jack Daniels. They passed out. It was cool.

  I should add that Kent and James were excellent travel companions, too. Sometimes we'd do things together, and sometimes we'd separate. We were always happy about it, too. A real pleasure to see the world with. We'll have to invite them to some other foreign country someday.
  
  

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  Of course, nothing changed at work while I was gone. My catching up consisted of deleting six e-mails. Over the last two days I've been back I've probably been out of the office about three hours a day, going to lunch and running errands and what-not. No one notices. No one cares.

  "It's like we're running a scam on this company," I told a coworker yesterday, "and I'm going to do as savage a burn on them as I can from now on." I've been here for roughly six weeks now. Two of those weeks I wasn't even here, and I was paid for them. The rest of the time I've done maybe one solid day's work. Fuck it, dude. If they don't care, I don't care - as long as the checks don't bounce.

  And the former employer still hasn't sent me information about the money I contributed towards the pension fund while I was there. I'm either going to buy a house or a pony with that cash. You can't live in a pony, true, but you can't ride a house and braid its tail.
  
  

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  I was at the McDonald's today, getting some lunch, and this particular McDonald's has a huge play area and was populated my hundreds of yuppified east Memphis moms and their screaming broods. And I thought to myself, geez, they can't even eat a cheeseburger in peace. That must suck.

  And then I thought, is that selfish of me, not wanting kids just so I can eat a cheeseburger in peace?

  But then I though, nah, it would be selfish if I said "I've already got two kids, and they need new shoes, but I want to get a copy of REO Speedwagon's Greatest Hits, so screw the kid's shoes." Now that's selfish. To be selfish, you have to put your needs over another person who actually exists.

  And then I though, man, I can't wait to eat some french fries!
  
  

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