Effluvia

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Bygone Days
Uncensored!

125 YEARS AGO
June 13, 1875

Sam Wells is now delivering fresh water from Raleigh Springs to homes in Memphis for $1 a gallon.

Murky, urine-tainted water is available for 10 cents a gallon.

Boss Kenny

"I started smoking in Korea. I could have won that war if they'd let me. Politics. Bunch of damned politics."

One Year Ago
I see strange things in Memphis Town.

I talked to Janet, my high school classmate, yesterday afternoon. She said that she and Kristy met Kristy's husband, John, at Backstreet Sunday morning, meaning to meet us. They didn't find us, though, so they left. Also, Janet mentioned that John was "kind of uncomfortable" at Backstreet, which is a gay bar. I rolled my eyes at that.

However, it did make me thoughtful, so I've put together the following information that straight guys need to know if they're going to gay bars. No, don't thank me - just spread the word to your brethren.

1. To address the main (and mainly unspoken) concern first: no, you will not get gang-fucked in the ass. Why? Two reasons:
   
   
   • Gay men don't do that - at least, no more than anyone else does. We're talking about a bar, not prison. If you want to get gang-fucked it can certainly happen in some gay bars, but not without your active and happy participation.
   • Chances are you're not that good-looking. These are gay men, who are men yet primp like women. They take better care of their bodies, their hair and their wardrobes than any straight man. As far as being an attractive man goes, you probably can't compete with the majority of patrons in a gay bar. So give it up - you're being conceited.
   
   
   
2. Might you get smiled/stared/winked at? Touched? Danced near? Yeah. But don't worry - it won't make you queer. It's not catching. Being gay is not like a cold, or cooties. Take it as flattery - you are attractive and others think so.

   This still doesn't mean you're going to get gang-fucked.
   
   

3. That really pretty girl at the bar? The one with the flawless hair and make-up and perfect body and the beauty pageant dress? She's got a cock. Yup. And she's not doing it to fool you - it's just the way she is.

   Feel free to flirt with her - your odds are about the same as they are with any other girl. But she does have a dick. Just so you know.
   
   

4. Here's a bonus if you're there with a girl - and if you're not there with a girl I bet you don't have as much of a problem with the place as you let on. Anyway, the more well-muscled, sweaty, shirtless, kissing guys your girl sees while she's there the more sexually fired-up she's going to be when she leaves. You know how you like to see the two girls go at it in the adult films? Chicks like that stuff, too, but with guys, not girls. And who's she going home with? That's right, you lucky devil, you.

So there you have it, guys. You can come away from a gay bar unharmed - and maybe better off for the experience - if you just give it a chance.