Yesterday, after work, all I wanted to do was go home, have a little dinner, and read the Flyer. It didn't work out like that.

You see, for the last three days I've been without underwear. Now I know some folks never wear 'em so they never miss 'em, but I've always worn my underwear and I feel faintly perverse without them. Kind of like I'm wearing a trenchcoat with fake pants-legs, just waiting for a chance to flash some school girls.

Actually, that reminds me of a funny story...mind if I digress for a moment?

Okay, my senior year of high school, New Year's Eve, I go out with some friends to Overton Square. I got horrendously high school-drunk and James took me home - to his house - and deposited me in his bed. He also gave me some shorts and a t-shirt to wear. He's such a good friend.

A few hours later James and some of his friends show up, drag my ass out of bed and proceed to tell me we're going to go to the convenience store down the street. I was still more than half drunk. I'm wearing floral shorts and a t-shirt. The only shoes I have are my brand-new, patent leather steel-capped Milli Vanilli shoes. I put them on and drape my trenchcoat over the whole thing.

It was pretty cold in the backseat of dude's car (I'm pretty sure the windows were down...and it was January) so I buttoned up my trenchcoat all the way and belted it tightly.

In the store I couldn't figure out why the clerk was looking at me so hard. Then James started to giggle at me. I caught my reflection in the freezer door and understood.

I was wandering around, hair a mess, a trenchcoat buttoned from my neck to my knees, exposing my naked calves and my huge clompin' shiny shoes.

We left quickly.

Anyway, going without underwear also makes me paranoid about leaving my fly open. I mean, you leave your zipper down when you're wearing underwear and you get a little embarassed. Leave it down without underwear...old ladies scream, you lose your job and get arrested. It worries me.

But I needed change to wash clothes, and I had to go to the bank for that. For some reason no grocery store in town will give quarters any more - I think they must be expecting a shortage or something. That's cool, though, 'cause I get to flirt with one of the tellers when I go to the bank. She's a cutie.

So I get my change and make my way back home. Then I walk the dog, cook some sausage, get the clothes together, put 'em in the washer, clean the kitchen, put the clothes in the dryer, watch 90210 (Kelly is fine as hell, and that's no shit - Brandon, you are a fool), bring the clothes upstairs and help Sonya fold. Then walk the dog again.

By then it was 10:30.

Tonight I will lay on the couch, read the Flyer, drink screwdrivers and watch Friends. If you need me, that's where I'll be.

I had another weird dream last night...or this morning. Anyway, it was still strange.

Hell, this one was outright scary. I've never had many nightmares, but the ones I do have are usually pretty impressive. Like not-sleep-the-rest-of-the-night impressive.

In this one, I think I was reading a comic book, if you can believe that. I think it was Sandman - one of those big collections of an entire story arc that DC has put out. Only I'd never seen this one before.

In it, this kid was having strange and disturbing dreams. He wasn't sure what they meant, but he knew they featured a slick-skinned, faintly glowing green little man-thing with two round bright-glowing eyes. This kid also knew he had to go to this scary old house in his town to find out what the dreams meant.

When he went to the house a man who had obviously been cut apart and put back together let him in and guided him to what looked like a long-abandoned, dimly-lit nursery. Dusty toys, a cobwebby mobile hanging over the crib, and in the crib itself...

Two big round eyes, glowing in the darkness.

I was scared to death...not just because I was reading it in this comic book, but because I was visualizing it...and I think maybe I was seeing it happen through the kid's eyes. Maybe I was the kid? Regardless, it was scary as hell.

I started flipping through the the comic then, 'cause it was just too scary, but I saw that the thing in the crib talked just like the Sandman - white letters in a black bubble - and that he was intent on eating the kid. Somehow it had called out to the kid so it could feed. This thing also had a huge mouth full of sharp, nasty teeth. I also found out that it meant to torture the kid for a while first, and that it had a much nastier, meaner monster in the closet if the kid got out of hand.

I was terrified when I woke up - fully thirty minutes before the alarm went off. I hate bad dreams.

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