Hey kids, remember - True Love Waits.

Allow me to quote from their site:

"Your concern for yourself can allow you to choose to avoid that which leads to guilt, broken relationships, disease, and even death."

I know y'all have seen the episode of King of the Hill where Bobby goes to the Hallelujah House for Halloween. The woman from the church shows the kids a tableau of two people kissing on a park bench; then she shows them two pairs of feet sticking out of drawers in a morgue.

"I guess it's true what they say, kids," she tells the children, "sex kills."

Yes, make children afraid of sex - that won't lead to problems later.

Food-Related Issues

In my continuing quest for non-meat-based entrees, I've come across a winner: not dogs.

I can't remember what they were called, exactly - Veggie Franks or Hot Links or something like that. They come in a can, which is a little frightening to begin with. Out of the can, though, they look like regular pink hot dogs, except they have irregular brown flecks in them.

I made a couple for lunch yesterday, and I was prepared for anything from okay-but-different to disgustingly foul.

They taste exactly like regular hot dogs. Incredible.

I guess it's not so amazing, though. Since regular hot dogs are made of lips and assholes they probably have to dump a bunch of stuff in them to get rid of the lips-and-asshole-y taste. I guess with not dogs they just put the same stuff in some vegetable protein and stuff it in a skin. Just the same, y'all. Incredible.

By the way, the phrase "not dog" is totally of Sonya's creation, as far as I know. She coined it when I put the can in the basket the other day at the store.

She's smart as a whip, that Wife of mine.

Also, I'm trying to reduce my legendary peanut butter intake. Those of you that know me know that I could eat the stuff three meals a day for years on end and not mind at all. Still, I'm sure my cholesterol level is somewhere in the 700s by now. I had it checked a few years ago - it was impressively high then, I haven't had it checked since. True, I exercise and eat better now than I did five years ago, but peanut butter is made out of fat, basically. If I don't go cold turkey - if there's any in the house, say - I'll devour it.

"With God's help I'll conquer this affliction."

A FULL SHEET of wonderland 2 stickers to the person who identifies the above quote and emails me their answer.

Anyway, I say all that to say this: this morning, instead of my usual peanut butter and jelly sandwich breakfast, I had two pieces of toast with strawberry preserves, a glass of orange juice and one of those nifty little hashbrown things you pop in the toaster. It was a breakfast feast, I tell you. Very satisfying.

Here's a thought: they sell fat-free peanut butter. I've seen it, I've eaten it, and it tastes like crap. If some bright company would make up a big batch of peanut butter, take the fat out of it and mix in some Olestra instead...man! I'd buy stock! Anal leakage be damned - I'd fill the cupboard with it (Olestra-fortified peanut butter, not anal leakage)! Can you imagine? Guilt-free peanut butter!

I swung by Wherehouse briefly last night. Did you know Elvis Costello had a new greatest hits out? I did - I saw the ad for it in Q Magazine a few months ago.

However, it hasn't been officially released in the States yet - Wherehouse has the import for forty bucks a pop. Two CDs though, and it's a pretty comprehensive collection.

I didn't like Elvis Costello for a long time - I remember his videos annoyed me greatly during my childhood, and in high school and college I thought him whiny.

Repeated exposure, though, from both Sonya and Donna and other goodhearted people has turned me around. He's one helluva songwriter, you know?

[Interesting. Wherehouse and Elvis Costello have popped up twice this week. Why, I wonder? Normally no one gets this much free publicity from me. I suppose I'm in a musical mood lately.]

I have seen Scott's Guts crawl across the screen of my machine at work - they are every bit as gross as advertised. If you have a windows machine I highly recommend you make the download.

I went home for lunch today and passed a hippie-ish looking guy with his dog sitting by the trolley stop. I went upstairs to eat. Sonya was there, and told me she'd given him a dollar earlier. When they're your age, and they got a dog, it's hard to tell panhandlers no.

I put some of Roxy's food in a plastic bowl (one of those that wonton soup comes in - they're useful, reuseable and disposable) with a couple of treats and took it down to him. Dude appreciated it and the dog had it's nose in the bowl as soon as dude opened it.

The Williams Family has done its part today to feed the hungry and take care of animals. I feel good.

Football Notes

Item: The Saints suck and suck mightily. It's amazing, really. With the exception of quarterback they've put together a team and staff that, in some alternate universe, would probably be doing pretty well at this point in the season. If I were Mike Ditka I'd be giving people the finger and grabbing my crotch, too.

Item: The Rams (my friend Glen calls them "the greatest football team of all time") are playing the Browns this weekend. I predict a three figure score for St. Louis. Then they'll head for Atlanta and knock the holy shit out of the Braves and Yankees, thereby winning the World Series on their way to the Super Bowl, the NBA championship, the World Cup and possibly the Stanley Cup. This team is unstoppable.

I had a visitor from Apple visit wonderland 2 today. How many representatives of the greatest computer company in the world have looked at your site today? That's what I thought, ya punk...ya punk ass...ya bitch!

During the course of my adventures last night I found myself on the campus of the University of Memphis. It was nice, being on campus on a cool fall evening, but I wouldn't go back for anything. I remember my first fall at college, some nine years ago.

[NINE YEARS AGO? BACK WHEN WE RODE DINOSAURS UP A HILL TO WORK AND COMPUTERS WERE MADE OUT OF WOOD AND RAN ON STEAM? JESUS CHRIST, I'M OLD OLD OLD!]

Yes, I had a good time that first semester - me, Christie, Chris, Carrie and Mookie had us a nice little gang - The Group, we called it, totally unaware of our literary namesake. When people saw us coming they knew something drunken or stupid (or both) was coming their way.

But that first semester living on campus could also be a lonely, trying time. That whole who-am-I/what-am-I-doing-here conflict can really knock the hell out of you. Walking alone and unnoticed across a college campus brought back a taste of that to me.

It was nice to go home to the Wife and Hound.

So I sat down this afternoon to write some stuff, maybe a little story about the drives I used to take to Jonesboro to see Sonya when we were freshmen in college. However, what I ended up writing was slightly different. I like it, though. It's kind of from the same school as this piece, but it's different, too. Not as smirky. Enjoy it, won't you?

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