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as you like it Yesterday was the shortest entry that I have written all month, but I couldn't help it. Most of the day was so dull with my brain stuck in neutral. Absolutely nothing held any interest for me. Then when I was at work all that I could do was wish that I was somewhere else. I couldn't seem to focus on anything worthwhile and reading my books was a struggle. Personally I would have preferred to have been in one of my punch drunk moods where everything seems funny. It certainly would have made the day go by faster, which is something that I definitely need right now. These final days before I leave for Europe are truly dragging and there is nothing that I can do to change that fact. Plus I am hoping that my going back to school in the fall works out for me. If it doesn't then I have a feeling that this fall and winter are going to be very depressing. Suddenly I'll be trapped again with very little vacation time left for the rest of the year. I'll need something to keep me motivated besides my job and I don't want to look for a new one in winter or near the holiday season either. ... There are so many times when I have all of these clever or insightful thoughts in my mind that I want to share and then when it comes to putting them down on paper they become muddled. Somewhere between my musing and the journal they get lost or forgotten. Some odd transformation happens that bothers me. ... Maybe yesterday was one of my lost moods. I seem to have a few here and there within a month. One might say that I need someone to talk with but I kind of see this as being my outlet until I find that person. I also believe that people very seldom truly reveal themselves to other people. My last girlfriend and I never talked. Oh, we may have had conversations, but they never touched on what I would call things that truly matter. She was more concerned about her job and starting a family which I guess are enough for some people, but not for me. I want more. Even now I can't see myself being a parent and it goes beyond the cute Passat commercials where the thirty something person wonders when people started to see them as being responsible. I can't bring myself to buy into that version of reality. Maybe that will change with time, but at the moment it all seems so foreign to me. ... More than once my last girlfriend said that she saw me as being negative and hard to satisfy. Nothing was good enough for me. I disagree. She never understood me and I know that staying with her would have been the worst mistake of my life. The connection was just not there. Staying together would not have been fair to either of us. ... I am seriously enjoying Girlfriend in a Coma by Douglas Coupland and I regret having ever put him down for spawning the Generation X label. Almost everything that he writes resonates with me. I have been converted and I want to draw others into the flock with me.
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