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on campus again Ever so slowly I am getting back into the habit of writing. I find myself jotting down thought fragments here and there that I can't possibly transform into one cohesive entry, so I just decided to list them as they came to mind. ... The emotional storm of last week has run its course and I seem to be myself again. I still wonder from time to time as to what Ann might be doing, but I have other things to keep me busy until she comes back. ... Being back in a classroom this afternoon felt good, because for once I was being asked to think. So often the world of business disappoints me in this respect. I'm not saying that I don't think at all when I am at work, but it isn't the same thing. Then again I truly believe that a person rises to a certain level in a job and then everything becomes habit with very little thought required. For me trying to solve a technical problem isn't as rewarding as discussing something from the humanities where things are less defined. More often than not problem solving in the world of business is more of a point "A" to point "B" kind of methodology, while the understanding of the arts is much more nebulous. Maybe if I was involved with the developmental side of technology I would find it more interesting, but at the moment I'm not and I don't see that changing any time soon either. Sadly there are days when I don't feel that much higher on the evolutionary ladder than a glorified monkey pulling levers to fix a problem. ... I spent so much of my twenties trying to scramble to the top of some silly job market that I find myself not caring as much or at all anymore. Money isn't that important to me and having an overly prestigious career isn't my style either. Oh, I'm not about to go down the economic ladder, but my job is nowhere near the focus of my life nor will it ever be. Another thing that I've come to realize is that I wasn't really enjoying life for most of the past decade. Too often I was letting myself get bogged down in the business world and other things that had very little meaning to me. Finally I seem to be able to have fun in life and do what I want to do. Traveling and being part of the academic system again are a definite part of what makes me happy. Now if I can just keep moving down that path I might have it made in life. ... The idea of fatherhood and how it relates to me has been an underlying current in my mind lately. Over the years I've gotten better at having someone hand off his or her pride and joy to me to hold. I no longer fear breaking said object, but at the same time it isn't something that I actively seek. I can appreciate all of the time and effort that goes into raising a child, but I still have my doubts about my being able to do it. So many people seem to screw up somewhere along the way and I'm quite sure that I want to be a part of that crowd. ... When I was with Tracy, Christopher was beyond the cuddle stage and well into the small engine of destruction stage. To this day I have no idea why someone would buy a two year boy a set of Fischer Price golf clubs. A two-year-old has no interest in golfing. To Christopher the clubs alternated between being a rather large drumstick and or weapon. Drumming was a favorite pastime of his when we were together and was something that his loving mother encouraged. She was convinced that Christopher had rhythm, but to me it was clearly noise. Somehow this seems to fall under the category of a mother's blind love. The times when she did object to his drumming was when he saw fit to use either her or my head as a drum. Being hit in the head with a large plastic object is not a pleasant sensation. Despite my lack of experience with small children, I must have succeeded in some small part with Christopher, because of something that happened during the final time that I saw him. I had gone over to what had been our apartment to get some things that she had of mine. When I walked in through the door, Christopher smiled and said to his mom that Eric's back to which his mother coldly responded no, he's not. This didn't bother me, but I was surprised to learn that even though I had failed to keep the affection of the mom, her son still liked me.
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