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emotional extremes On the ride to my grandparents' fiftieth wedding anniversary party, my sister Hope and I talked about the people that we had been dating. She was worried and clearly thought that I was making a poor choice when it came to Ann. To her there were too many murky points about her past and I understood what she meant. There are times when I wonder if I am trying to correct the mistake that I made with Tracy years ago. So much went wrong back then and maybe I want to make it right somehow. On the surface there does appear to be quite a few similarities between the two women. Both of them were originally from the South, came from divorced families and were mothers when I met them. In addition both of them were slow to reveal as to how and why they arrived at where they were in life. No. I need to clarify that last point. Both of them did tell me a few details, but it was the hidden details that would surface later that caused the most damage to me. In fact I was so hurt by Tracy that I really questioned the whole idea of romance, dating and women in general after I left her. The whole experience almost shattered me and I avoided dating anyone for nearly two years. I had never had someone that said they loved me drag me so far down in life. It was the most destructive thing that had ever happened to me. People that have never met her freely describe her as white trash or a loser, but at the time I couldn't see her that way and part of me still doesn't. However, I also believe that a person does still contribute a large amount of control in what happens to them in life. Fate can only be blamed for part of the problem. Self-will does indeed exist whether or not the person chooses to exercise that option. Now in retrospect I can see how naïve and over confident I was at the time. Personally I am surprised that we lasted as long as we did with money disappearing over night and me becoming more and more angry with her. Suddenly sleeping next to me in bed was the source of all my happiness and worry. My life had been so carefree until I met her and I thought that I had enough strength to help her rise above her problems. I was painfully wrong. In my mind being with someone is probably the hardest thing to do in life. One day this might be the most important person in your life and then in the next that person is the focus of all of your anger and frustration. Yet despite this knowledge people keep trying to find something ideal and this amazes me. I guess that I just don't fall for that line as easily as I once did. Now that I go back and read what I just wrote it all sounds so bitter and in complete contrast to what I wrote yesterday. The strange part is that there is truth in both points of view. Those quiet moments with someone that you deeply care about are better than anything else in the world, but when all of that turns sour I can't think of anything worse.
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