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21 October 2000 Morning. The warm weather has gone with the night. The blue sky remains. My bed calls and I can not refuse. So much more to say about last night, but I must sleep first. ... I feel so much better now after having slept for about six hours. I can think again. ... Last night I heard all about the miserable birthday that Ann had had on Thursday. It seems that she was stood up. Apparently her date for the evening got caught up in a movie and neglected to tell her that he had changed his mind about going out for the night. Sigh. I had suspected that she had some plans for that night, but hearing about them still made me wince. I could feel my stomach tighten a little, but so it goes as Kurt Vonnegut was wont to say in a slightly different content. Suddenly I was Kevin Arnold and any other assortment of coming of age boy characters seen on television for the past few decades. Voiceover from Bart Simpson saying now watch this is where his heart breaks. Then I thought some more and realized that I'm not twelve, fifteen, seventeen or even twenty-one. I've done all of this before. None of this is new to me. Still after she went home for the evening, I was left to churn and examine to no end. In fact this was so obvious that my buddy Nicole asked me if something was bothering me. I looked sad she said. Was this because I was tired? Did something happen? My natural male was response was to say no. Somehow I knew that after some time had passed everything would seem different to me. My mind would strip away the emotional content and leave me less sensitive to what I had heard. Besides she is much too close to the source to be a good person to share. ... Now to counteract everything that I have just said, Ann and I are going out to dinner on Monday night. She was the one that invited me, not the other way around. There is no way that I could pass up an opportunity to spend some time with her outside of work. Besides I would rather be her friend than have her hate me. ... I'm not sure how many times I wanted to delete what I just wrote a few paragraphs above, but at the same time I feel better for having said it. There was no way that I could have told Nicole what was on my mind. It isn't as though Ann and her are close friends, but it didn't seem right to me. Love and romance are some of the strangest concepts on the planet. Both of them cause so much worry and frustration. People seek out one another looking for something that they may or may not be able to describe. What I do know is that the album Girlfriend by Matthew Sweet is the definitive statement on love as far as I am concerned. He says it much better than I ever could. ... A cold wind is blowing through the trees tonight.
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