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talking to myself Swirls of snow on the roads. Clouds just erratic above. A taste again of winter. For just a brief moment in time everything made sense to me. There wasn't any needs or wants. I had achieved a quiet version of zen. I was free from all fears and desires. I truly love those moments in time. ... Ann was upset when I left work not because of anything that I had done, but I knew enough to tell that she wanted to be alone. She was complaining to our boss on the telephone as I walked out the door. Stress isn't good for anyone, but it certainly can't be good someone for in her condition. Moods were changing by the minute. ... People often amaze and confuse me. There are so many times when I have no idea what motivates people or then when I find out what does drive them in life I am completely disappointed. I'm not saying that everyone has to be pondering the deeper mysteries of life, but the lowest common denominator seems to be so sad to me. There are so many things in life that are more worthwhile than worrying about a job or something that someone said to you that was offensive. Once again I am probably sounding like an asshole, but I think that I have gotten better at letting things go or at the very least I filter them out at a higher level. Use the emotions wisely or in some case not at all. I have this feeling that my life is going to be different when I get back from Australia. Obviously while I am there it will already be different, but I also believe that that change is going to stay with me when I return. Right now I can't exactly say what those changes might be, but I do know that they are coming soon and I am ready for them. People create their own worlds in which they populate with people and problems. The strange part is that so many people are unaware of their own actions. They would rather believe in some external force than in themselves. Control is given up by them to an outer force. I, however, believe that there is such as thing as free will. If there wasn't then I don't think that I would be able to function. Give and take. Prayer and belief. Hate and love. Arguments. Reclining on a couch eating grapes and silently judging. Bread and circuses. ... I find people who only read a book once to be strange. Maybe that makes me strange, but for me books are filled with answers or at least the good ones should be. Art is supposed to be one of the higher achievements of a civilization. Humans expressing themselves in an abstract form. ... Here I am half asleep writing the most that I have in days. Maybe I should do the journal this way more often. The final result seems more real to me. Less surface perhaps. These are things that flow through my mind as I wind down. These are the things that most people don't seem to want to hear. Very seldom do people talk about anything with any real content. I'm not saying that I have anything profound to say, but at the same time people stay within boundaries of their own creation. I wish that I could see as much of the earth as possible before I die. I want to walk the Great Wall of China. I want to see the ruins of Machu Picchu. Damn here I go wanting things again. Time for some sleep.
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