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tossing words around I seem to waver between outright disgust with my job and complete indifference where most of it strikes me as being a sad joke. Neither option is all that pleasant for me. Last night I was in the second option and joked through a good part of the night. I guess another way of seeing it is that I feel as though I were in my last year of high school again. I've been in all of the classrooms and worked with most of the teachers. Everything is so familiar and predictable that being there just doesn't seem to be worth my time. In the beginning things were new and strange and I was cautious about making mistakes. There was so much to see and learn. Now all of that has gone away. Nothing at work seems that interesting anymore even though they continue to go on as though there is still work to be done. I even get some of the same reactions from my coworkers as I did from the teachers. From the looks I can tell that they want to know what happened to my enthusiasm. They want to know what happened to my positive outlook. My answer would be that I don't know. Maybe some talking needs to be done. ... Speaking of talking, when I called Ann today to see if she still wanted to see a movie she sounded surprised to hear from me. She said that I was in an odd mood on Tuesday and she wasn't sure if I still wanted to go. I, however, thought that she didn't feel like talking and just seemed to ignore me. Misunderstanding is so common. In some ways I almost feel as though we are dating even though we aren't. For example I'll call her, leave a message and then she won't respond. This is of course sets my mind in motion and I end up wondering what I did to upset her. I just can't seem to let things go when it comes to her and that may not be a good thing. Without a doubt I do care about her deeply and these odd moments do bother me. I guess if their wasn't any emotion involved these awkward conversations wouldn't affect me as much. I never intended to hurt her, but I have the feeling that she was slightly hurt when she walked out the door on Tuesday night. I even sent her an email trying to explain what was going on inside my head that night. In my defense another coworker said that there are times when Ann takes things far too seriously. Both of us had been teasing her about the flowers by saying that they came from another coworker that she loathes. I think that she failed to see the humor in our comments. Sometimes I forget how powerful words can be on some people. ... The American Film Institute released a list of one hundred films under some strange category of thriller or something. The exact heading doesn't matter. What does matter is the fact that I had seen all but seven of the movies on the list and the ones that I hadn't seen were from the 1920's. That says something, but I'm not quite sure what.
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