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not quite literary Once again the journal seems to be slipping away from me. What I mean is that more often than not I am updating late into the next day and then dropping details as well. I want that to change. For me this is one of the few creative things that I do and I need to keep it alive and healthy. ... Yesterday before I went to the play there were various thoughts about relationships going through my mind. Most of them were negative. The whole idea seemed unhealthy to me and was something that I wanted to avoid in the future. It wasn't about rejection which I don't quite understand it was more about lost time and the elusive quality of human emotions. What was there one day suddenly seems to vanish on a whim. The answer that I was given was too vague if not cliche. Still I try to believe and hope that something might change. Do people really say what they mean or do they say what is expected of them? Why do people seek happiness from others? Can't they find it within themselves? Should people rely on one another? ... Over this past weekend my brother sent me an email with his thoughts about Holden Caulfield. ...certainly a tragic hero. This guy sees the world and calls a spade a spade. He points out the bullshit and hypocrisy and can't swallow it, but this obsession seems to trap him and it's about all that he is good for... Well. As I have said in the past I have never read the book, but I found a link comparing him to me and I got curious. I wanted to see if that was true. Yes, I do tend to be blunt on a number of topics if not life in general, but I also like to think that there is still a small amount of hope within me. Without a doubt, I am very judgmental, but at the same time I want something that has value and meaning. I don't want the world to be uniform and unimaginative, I just want less disception. Okay, maybe I am not giving any solutions to the problem, but I still don't want to abandon my ideals. Sadly what I call ideals are what other people see as being arrogant if not indifferent. I don't know. As I have said before people often seem to be motivated by some of the most primal urges and nothing really abstract. Maybe I ask too much from life. Grab what you can, only the strongest survive and other bumper sticker sentiments make me want to scream. Spouting some version of Allah, Jehovah and Yahweh also makes me wince. Naturally the warm and fuzzy alternatives of pagan and wiccan thought isn't much of an answer either. To me the former and latter groups need each other to exist. My religion is better than yours so there. Sigh. They all strike me as clubs for adults. Suddenly the voice of Brenda comes through the haze, you are never happy she said. Sigh. Yes, I am, I just wasn't happy with you. Ouch. So what do you want from life Eric? Do you want a wife and family? Do you want to live the American Dream? What is the dream to you? What does the future hold for you? Questions, questions, questions. Sometimes I don't have the answers, but I try to find some when I can. Looking back this has been a very good year for me and I shouldn't complain. I passed a certification for work, went to Australia, had a summer romance, got a promotion and raise, and now I am a homeowner. What more could I want from life? When people are scurrying around in the job market, I feel secure. I went to another continent when some people never leave the state where they live. I was with an intelligent beautiful woman who liked being with me. All of these things would make most people happy. Now however I seem to be lost again. ... Late this morning I went to the laundromat for what I hope will be the last time. It was warm, not quite Indian summer warm, but warm enough to sit outside and read. So far Snow Falling on Cedars appeals to me. I can understand the people in the book and the prose flows for me. ... My landlord got my letter telling him that I am moving. He wanted to discuss the details of when I am leaving, the security deposit and so on. I didn't return his call. Somehow it seemed like it could wait until tomorrow. My mind wasn't in the mood to talk business. ... I thought about calling her tonight, but I didn't. I might wait until after I move.
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