|
so very special Friday morning at work Nicole and I were talking as we usually do and the conversation took an interesting turn. She said that she wished that she would win the lottery. I asked her if she would still talk to me if she were rich. She said yes. She said that she would buy me all the comic books that I wanted or even better she said that she would buy me a comic book store. She likes that aspect of me that I still read comic books. She says that I still want to be a kid and maybe that it is a good thing. An old girlfriend of mine said that I had gotten old and that she would never get old. I however think that she never quite understood me. Nicole and I share the outlook on life that one can never take it too seriously. Of course we do this by harmonizing on childrens' songs an doing other silly things. ... I've decided to let myself relax again and it feels good. For too long I've let crap ruin a perfectly good mood and the recent encounter with my boss would be a prime example. Under normal circumstances his offhand comment would have just washed over me, but with the absence of school and general uncertainty of my life, hearing him comment about me not being able to my job just pushed me too far. Now I know better. The harsh reality is that he is a sad heavyset middle-aged man with very few options left in life. His job is his life and that fact will not change until he dies which may be an early one looking at his physique. I, on the other hand, have many options left. I just need to decide which is the best one to pursue or at the very least which one I should try first. Maybe for a brief moment his present suddenly became my future and it sickened me. I also need to start to thinking about time as a positive element in my life and not a negative one. So often I find myself looking forward to either the end of the work week or I build towards something months away. Yes, I am going back to Europe late this spring, but I can't rush through the months between now and then. I need to do something with that time rather than wishing that it would all go by as quickly as possible. I should also be happy that I don't have the pressure of school for the next few weeks. Of course there is the possibility that I might not have class at all this semester. The class that I wanted has just a few people enrolled in it and that might not be enough. Sigh, here I go setting down rules for myself, but that is very much how I work. Another possibility is that I could take an art course. I say that I miss creating art yet I never do any and I think that this is because I am living in a vacuum. I surround myself with some of the most unimaginative people on the planet, that is, people who work with computers and little else. Everything at work is so regimented and inane that it almost makes me want to cry. Thinking outside of the box is heresy and I often wonder why I haven't gone insane yet from being here as long as I have. I've started to free myself by doing other more subtle things. For example I've stopped watching television. Yes, I have finally reached that level of arrogance where television isn't worth my time. It isn't as though I was a junkie, but I can now say that Law and Order, ER and the occasional late night talk show or sitcom aren't that important to me anymore. I don't even turn it on for the local news anymore. It feels good and I don't miss it. Yes, it was fun discovering that The Prisoner is being aired again on the local public television channel, but I can always get those on tape if I really want to see them. The days seem longer without having the television droning on in the background and in some ways the silence lets me think better than I usually do. Not everything has become completely serious though. Most of Friday morning was spent being a genuine geek. I sorted through my entire comic book collection for the first time since I moved. That might sound easy enough, but my collection is somewhere in excess of three thousand books and not all of them are catalogued on my computer. There are so many wonderful stories there and I still love reading all of them. Some of them are from twenty years ago when I first started reading and some of them I bought just this week. ... One of the first things that I did after I woke up this afternoon was call my parents. I needed to hear the latest news about my grandma. It wasn't that good. She isn't very responsive today. There really isn't that much that I can do except wait.
|