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saturday down time Thursday wasn't quite as cheerful as it might have seemed by what I wrote here. Oh, I did have a nice time in class and not just because of my attractive classmates either, but that was about the highlight of the day for me. For the rest of the day I fell into one of those moods where I wondered if I had reached some kind of zenith with my life. The thought that I had reached the peak of my life took root and that was enough to trigger a downward spiral of sorts. Had I missed the best time of my life? Had I done something wrong in my past and that was why I am stuck where I am now? Do I want too much from life when I should be happy with what I have at the moment? Should I just stop trying? Question after question filled my head and these were quickly joined by various forms of self doubt. Somehow I reached the age of thirty two and I don't seem to be where the American dream says I should be at this stage in my life. I'm not married.
Okay. I think I need to pause here. Are these things that I want in life? Are these the things that will make me happy? Do I need the love of a woman to make my life complete? I don't know would be my first answer. Steeping back for a moment some of the goals or steps in life that I listed above depend on one thing and that would be a woman in my life. Okay. It has been a year now since I've been with anyone at all and maybe that is what has been missing in my life. Eric just needs to get some to put a smile on his face and make him start living life again. Maybe. Here I am applying logic to what some would call matters of the heart. Should I be making an effort at dating? Should I just put that idea aside completely and then when I least expect it the woman that I need will fall into my life? The cliche is that love happens when one isn't looking for it. I despise having my life be guided by cliches. The next question would be what do I do next with my life? Work for the moment is on hold and I can accept that fact. Four years of my life have not been wasted there, but at the same time that milestone does surprise me. School does seem to be working for me and hopefully in a year will achieve something that I want. Now I guess I need to go back to the topic of a woman in my life. Honestly that concept seems so distant to me right now that I have a hard time trying to imagine that kind of a change in my life. Yes, I will admit that that is something that I want, but I don't want to repeat my past mistakes. Women seem to be very choosey in what they want in a man so why can't I be choosey about what I want in a woman? I want a woman who doesn't need to be entertained twenty four hours a day seven days a week. Okay, maybe that sounds dumb, but so often young women seem to be seeking adventure in a mate. I can understand that to a point, but at the same time I have to admit that my life is not one exciting moment after another. Silly things like my job, paying bills and taking care of my place get in the way of daily adventures. This doesn't mean that I don't do things in my spare time. I do. I like to see movies and plays. I like to eat out once in a while. I would like to get back into riding my bike on a regular basis. I would like to be able to snuggle with someone for hours. Yes, yes, yes, I am getting very close to personal ad territory here. I admit it. The next thing that I'll say is that I like taking long walks on the beach. Sigh. Personal ads mystify me. How can a person possibly sum up their identity with a short paragraph? I also want a woman who understands that being with me will not be all smiles. There will be times when we will argue and I won't enjoy it.
Life is not perfect and neither am I. So should I start looking for the woman or just keep doing what I am doing? Honestly I think that I want someone like Nicole. Maybe that sounds too simplistic, but it may be true. She makes me laugh and feel good about myself. She looks good and smells good. She doesn't wear too much makeup and has a laidback approach to life. Early this morning at work I found out that she was having a bad day. Her bra didn't fit properly and every so often her boobs as she calls them would get free. This would happen when she reached above her head to put something away. Then she would have to discretely adjust herself. I find this to be funny and very human. She freely admitted that she was too lazy to hand wash her bras and just threw them into the wash machine where they shrunk. As a man I don't have these kinds of problems, but I have heard them before from previous girlfriends. In fact I've been with both the kind that hand washes bras and the kind that does not. Is this a quality that I should look for in a woman? |