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no more running Four years. What have I learned about myself in four years? People spend four years in high school and are usually different from when they started. People spend four years in college and emerge different as well. I've been at the same job for four years and I'm not sure what has happened to me. Most of the time I think that my job has made me more bitter than I used to be. It has made me less hopeful, less positive. Worst of all it has made me less free. There are times when it seems as though I am always fighting against something, resisting. I don't want to admit defeat. I don't want to become something that I am not. Four years of words on a screen. Some of them making sense. Looking at people. Watching people. Talking with people. Looking for answers maybe. A year ago my life was focused on moving into a place that I owned. Rent was something that would no longer be a part of my life. A threshold had been crossed. A milestone along the American dream had been reached. Progress had been made and here I am now trying to decide what the next step should be for me. Plans have been made to change everything in a year. The job will be different and with it may come a change in where I live. Nothing is definite yet I still plan. People always plan. Plan for tomorrow. Plan for the future. Plan for the children that have yet to be born. Do I lack focus or do I need to explore more options before I can made a decision? Work feels as though it is draining my life away yet they smile and say that this a good thing. I can barely tolerate it at times. I don't mean to be down or negative. Actually I can be quite funny if I want. I just need something more from life than what I have now. That sounds simple enough to fix, but the solution is a puzzle to me. ... I stuck with the bike trail again this morning after work. This time I didn't have anger as a means of propulsion, but it still felt good to be outside and active. Now I just have to keep with it like I said that I would until the snow begins to fall. ... At work Nicole made a brief appearance in my area and was gone all too quickly. A misunderstanding with other people in her department kept me from seeing her. I wish that it wasn't that way, but I wasn't in the mood to argue with morons. ... Jen and I spent an hour on the phone this morning. She reminds me of the friends that I had in college the first time around. I'm not sure if she realizes that or not. I guess that it doesn't really matter though. |