all about anger
Despite what was written yesterday wasn't completely filled with anger. I did manage to do a few things besides sit and fume about what Nicole's fiance said to me. Now having said that I have to admit that a good part of the day did still revolve around his words that acted like a poison on me. Ever so slowly my hurt became anger and I wished that I had said something more to him than I did.
I fear that this will not end well.
I also noticed by looking back through the journal that the sixteenth of February a year ago was another day of emotional excitement. Ann quit a year ago.
To add more melodramatic excitement to my life, I got an email yesterday afternoon from my third shift partner. It said that he had asked our boss for the night off and hoped that I wouldn't mind. I didn't. Of course I also knew that this would increase the tension level for me at work. Without his presence, this meant that Nicole and I would sit alone in the same room for hours. Before the recent conversation that would have been great, but now everything has changed.
Now I am a creep if not a full blown sexual predator.
I feel great. Hardly.
The beginning of last night was tolerable if not vaguely depressing. I did not want to be there and voiced that feeling more than once to my coworker. He sympathized, but didn't know the whole story of why I was dreading the morning hours.
Eventually she walked into the room and I did my best to pretend that she wasn't there. I didn't say anything or look her way. Due to some maintenance at work things had grown sour and I was busy. She too was affected by this activity and made no attempt to acknowledge me either.
It was all very awkward, but expected.
I left for lunch without saying anything to her and was relieved to be out of the room. She used to be someone that could make me laugh. Now I was the enemy and someone to avoid. Passive aggressive body language was the over riding theme in the room.
Eventually someone else from my department came into work and I could breathe a little better. He knew that something was bothering me and kept pressing until I told him what was wrong. Naturally he wasn't that surprised that words had been exchanged between her fiance and me, but told me not to let it eat me up inside. He was also glad to hear that we hadn't come to blows.
I am hoping that tonight at work will be better. The odds of seeing and or speaking with Nicole are low. I suspect that she will keep to her department and I certainly won't be making any effort to go visit with her. Her fiance on the other hand might wander through my department, but that doesn't mean anything to me. Ignoring him isn't a problem for me.
More than likely nothing will be said and or resolved on this issue until Friday night. I'll probably get back to writing about what I read in the latest issue of The New Yorker and the documentary about the Western genre in American films that I watched. I seem to do better with pop culture topics than I do with my emotions.
Is it obvious that I miss Nicole?
The journal is helping. It feels good to put into words everything that has been going through my mind. Learning that my affection for someone has made them feel uneasy if not fearful of me is not something that makes me happy. I can't remember that ever happening before. I mean it isn't as though I randomly picked some woman off the street to shower with cards, letters and flowers. This is someone that I have known for four years now. Of course my being a creep in her eyes may not be the truth, but she has yet to tell me otherwise.
Maybe I am too emotional and need to be more mechanical. Perhaps I need to create a facade at work. I'll smile and nod at people while I go about my business. No. That sounds far more creepy to me.
Instead of sealing my house up with duct tape and plastic sheeting, I sat back and watched the two hour episode of Joe Millionaire. I liked what I saw. Zora appealed to me more than Sarah. Plus I think that Evan and her might have a chance. Obviously I'll know more next week when the final episode airs and the show comes to an end.