Irrational in a Crowd

At the end of every work week, the people at work get together in the lunch room and have some drinks and so on. For most people this is an ideal way to the end the week. Not for me. This just freaks me out if anything. If you really want to understand me you have to realize just one thing. Crowds of people really bother me. It doesn't matter if I know the people or not. I just can not stand being in a room surrounded by people just for the sake of socializing.

Humans are social animals you say. People need people. Not me. Crowds make me want to run. It brings on the whole fight or flight response. I can feel my body getting tense and sweaty. I start to look for a way to escape or I make some excuse so that I can leave. Sometimes parties are a living hell for me. I am the person who usually makes their way outside and I don't even smoke. I just need to be free of all of the people.

Concerts are even worse for me, because people are even less civil than at parties. People that I don't know bump into me and sometimes puke near me. At one concert, the woman behind me was upset with me because I wasn't dancing. She actually grabbed me and started to move my hips. Now for some people this might be a real turn on, but not for me. I just wanted her to leave me alone. For those of you wondering, she wasn't that unattractive either.

A small sidenote here. I do not dance. If I dance for you or with you, I am either really drunk or I like you a great deal. This also reminds me that I have danced with some of the wrong people in my past, because of too much alcohol.

I haven't gone to a concert since I learned tae kwon do, because part of me fears that I might get into a fight just because of my problem with crowds. I know that I can defend myself, because I have held my own against larger people and at times almost hurt them. This was even in a controlled environment where we were both wearing protective equipment. I can't imagine the amount of damage that I would do to an untrained person.

Plus I think that my fear would probably augment my strength. The adrenaline would be enough to keep me going for at least an hour. Or until someone else more psycho than me dropped me.

I remember when I told this to my high school psychology teacher years ago. She became very concerned almost instantly. Ooh, here's a student in trouble. He has all of this anger and fear inside of him. Lets help him. I was sent home with a stack of books on anger and other assorted topics.

This little experience formed my loathing of psychology in general. At best it is a soft science full of people with massive insecurities looking for answers. Sometimes the experts in the field do admit that they have the most problems and I applaud them for it. Just don't force your hoaky religion on me. Yes, psychology is a form of religion to me. Its a set of beliefs that helps a person lead his or her life which is also the purpose of religion.

Tracy really never quite understood this trait of mine. She just thought that I was painfully shy. She thought that I just needed to be pushed a little. She was wrong.

You can think whatever you want, but it won't change anything. I refuse to change my ways for anyone. I tried for Tracy and it started to make me sick.

This also explains my problems with bars. Here you not only have people in a confined space, but horny and agitated people at the same time. Hormones and alcohol do not make a good combination.

I can hear the responses from the crowd. People just want to have fun. They need to get together to drink and bond. Maybe I am over sensitive, but I see it a little differently. I can almost feel the primal energy in a bar. You can feel the sex just under the surface.

Oh, so I fear sex. No, I just get overwhelmed by all of the emotions in a bar. For some reason, I tend to amplify the emotions of others at times.

The next paragraph strays a little from the above topic, but I am on a roll so don't stop me.

I have heard it said that people who work with computers have a hard time communicating with people. Yes, I do use computers, but I generally don't get that sucked into them. I do talk to people in the real world. Plus on the diary-l list, it was mentioned in a round about way that most users outgrow America Online and move on. Well, I guess that I can't be that heavily into computers, because I haven't moved on yet. On the other hand, I used to be on an ISP and didn't see that much of a difference.

America Online really doesn't have that much appeal to me, I just haven't gotten around to changing it.

After today's entry most people must think that I am some kind of freak. Someday he will snap and become a serial killer or something. He needs help. He should get into therapy. Well you can classify me however you want, but I know what bothers me.

I am a very private person, who keeps to himself and doesn't need to be around people all of the time. Then why do I do this little project? I don't know. I think that I do it to see what I think of myself a year from now. Maybe its my small attempt at immortality. Maybe its therapy.

Today I saw that some woman was doing a thesis on online journalers which annoys me to some degree. Yet another person feeding off of the energy of others. Ooh, now I sound like a mystic. Maybe I should start chanting or something.

According to psychology, every piece of art is the result of some mental trauma or something. Whatever. I feel sorry for those people. Personally I think that they are jealous, because they lack creativity of any kind.

I feel compelled to mention that this rant was hammered out shortly after I got home from work, because all of this was going through my mind. You see I had just escaped from the social hour at work. Most of the initial energy has subsided and I have started to calm down now. I should be my usual monotone self in an hour or so.

So what is the moral of today's entry? If you want to really aggravate me and see me get completely irrational, then drag me to something like a Woodstock event. Too bad Jerry Garcia died. I could thin the whole herd of Deadheads with little remorse. Get a life people. I'm driving the train now kids and I'm not Ozzy Osburne either.

Its now hours after I wrote the preceding part of this entry. Whoa, I really need to relax, but that was what was on my mind earlier tonight.

Well, I am weak. I bought a new television tonight. I missed being able to watch my movies.

Tonight's selection is Clerks.

When I was at Best Buy, my ever so helpful sales clerk hoisted my new television into a shopping cart for me. I was impressed. Nicole was her name and she knew how to lift her televisions. Being the gentlman that I am, I held the cart steady for her. Actually I had no idea that she was just going to toss it into the basket. She took me completely by surprise. I did manage to get one hand on the box to help her though. My other hand was trying to steady the cart.

I am such a sucker for women sales people. They could sell me anything. I told her how impressed I was with her lifting technique and she curtsied for me. I'm so smooth. Yeah, right.

She was also one of those women that can get away with wearing tan corduroy pants without looking like a dork. The last time that I wore cords was when I was ten or twelve.