Afternoon Thoughts

There are times when I still wonder if there is something inside of me that would be truly great. Something that I would want to share with other people. When I was in college I lived and breathed the world of art and everything that comes with it, but never really produced anything that seemed earth shattering by any means. Yet here I am doing this online journal on an almost daily basis.

Art in any form is the most self indulgent career choice that a person can possibly pursue. It feeds the ego and crushes it at the same time. Yet no matter if it is good or bad, it still revolves around the creator.

I have no idea where I am going with this line of thought, but it made sense when I started.

Okay, lets review what I have said before. Time and time again I have said that work really doesn't do that much for me. Its stale and devoid of any real meaning, but I still linger on. I ask myself why and know that part of it might be fear. Its easy to imagine a lifestyle of just dreaming and scribbling poems on napkins and people scrambling for them, but I have a firm enough grasp of reality to know the odds of this happening are very poor.

Glacial movement would be how I would describe my decision making process. I dwell on something until I almost forget what caused me to start thinking in the first place.

I have known for years that I don't think like other people. I try to see this as a sign of something. What I don't know. Sometimes I wonder how much I really do know. Maybe I should just stop thinking and get on with it.

I never did the stereotypical routine of finding myself by escaping to one coast or the other. The need to lose myself in the big city just wasn't for me. I am different, but not unstable if that makes any sense.

All sorts of crazy ideas do go through my head though. One idea that I like is the spoken word album. I don't know if I have enough energy or focus for a novel. Besides fiction has never been my strong point either. Creating characters and scenarios seems too time consuming for me. I like spouting off about things that interest me at the moment and this doesn't lend itself to the form of a novel.

Well, I guess that I just explained to myself why I do this online journal. Its a small creative outlet for me until I think of something better. I have already made a promise to myself that I will continue to do this for at least a year. This way I will have a whole year of me babbling to look back on and maybe cringe. So I'll keep adding to the time capsule each day for the next year or so.

The majority of today's entry was written in the afternoon hours at work. Rather than doing my job, I decided to launch into some melodramatic introspection. This tends to happen on a fairly regular basis. It must be part of my secret desire to be Hamlet for a day.

When I did get home, I did very little except clean my house and watch television. So I decided to use what I had written at work. Now that I read it hours later some of it makes sense to me, but I'm not sure what other people might glean from it. I guess that what I am saying is that a person has to make some mistakes before they get it right.

Nothing really profound was said, it was just me being me.