Suffer the Dreams

Most of the Easter holiday weekend was spent with Brenda's family although part of Saturday was spent with my family.

I have said before that I am not a people person and that fact has not changed recently. It takes time for me to feel comfortable around new people. Conversation does not come easily to me which means that there are many moments of uncomfortable silence until someone else speaks. Generally I do not speak unless someone speaks to me first. I could walk into a room full of people and not say a word to any of them. The only way that I would speak would be if I wanted something from one of them.

I have nothing against Brenda's family and I get along just fine with her parents and siblings, but there are still awkard moments for me.

Brenda wanted everything to be perfect when her father came over Sunday. The entire meal had been planned down to the way she served the potatoes. She had put the potatoes through a press that made them look like rice. First she peeled and mashed them and then she squeezes them through this gadget. This was the first time that I had ever seen potatoes look this way, but it was very Brenda.

Brenda said that this was only the second turkey that she had ever cooked which made her even more nervous. Then I ruined the meal slightly, because I didn't do a very good job of carving it. I like meat and have no problems eating it, but carving it is not a skill of mine. As far as I could tell, the turkey just seemed to be falling apart. Every time that I tried to cut a clean slice, the meat would just fall of the bone.

I guess that this is a male trait that I have to acquire for future holidays. Maybe I should work on my belching and farting as well.

Being with Brenda is hard to explain. There are times when I learn more about myself being around her and then there are times when I question some of the things that I do. There are times when I have hurt her when I did not mean to hurt her. For instance, she did not know that I had today off and because of this she thought that I was avoiding her. Sigh.

The reason that I took a vacation day today was to look for a job.

I will admit that I do like my free time. People need some time by themselves. Its very natural.

My dreams are becoming violent again. A fragment I remember from a recent dream was of me being chased by another car as I drove down this road. There were trees on both sides of the road and I had no idea where I was going. After driving for a while, I pulled off to the side and waited for them to drive by. The other car sped by just like in the movies, but soon turned around and came back. When the other car caught up with me, the driver got out and approached my window. I reached out and grabbed him with my left hand and hit him in the face with my right hand. It was a solid hit complete with sound effects. I remember driving off and then I woke up.

I wonder if it is all of the stress that I have been feeling lately that has made my dreams violent again. I used to dream of fighting years ago. The faces of my opponents would change and so would the weapons, but it was always just me aginst them. Maybe I should take up tae kwon do again. Nothing like having someone trying to kick you in the head to make you forget all of your problems.

I really do need some kind of outlet and this journal is only partly effective. I need to do something physical. My job is making me middle aged before my time. Sitting in a cube and staring at a screen is not making me any healthier. If anything it is slowly killing me. Day after day of mind numbing bureaucracy and hollow words can wear anyone down. There are times when I can remove myself from my surroundings, but its not what I want to do forty hours a week.

I guess that I would call today successful. I made some contact with various agencies and now I just have to wait and see what happens next. I know that if I am still at my job at the end of the year, I will be even more unhappy than I am now. Something has to change and soon.

Someone told me that I couldn't park my car where I have been parking it for the past few weeks. Little does that person know that I was not in any mood to hear what they were saying. I could just as easily have walked over to them and hit them than listen to what they were saying. I didn't though. I just shook my head and moved the car a little later. I guess that this means that my higher reasoning abilities are still intact.

I am getting so tired of living in two different places. Something has to change.

Maybe I'll paint tomorrow.

I really can be a pleasant person, I just need to change my surroundings.

I guess my dream job would be to have a small company composed of some my favorite journal writers that would put out a monthly magazine of whatever was on their minds.