What Next

Yesterday I started to describe the impact that Brenda has had on my life, but then I ran from it. Finding just the right words to use is hard for me. At times its still a tug of war and at other times its very caring. Lately I have managed to get most of my feelings in the open for her to try and understand. Of course this doesn't work instantly, but at least I feel better. What I can say is that Brenda and I are still moving forward in our own way. There are times when I drag my feet, but I am still along for the ride.

Very little of what Brenda does surprises me and this need not be a negative thing. She has a very familiar quality about her that I like. This may not be the most flattering or romantic of descriptions, but it is true.

She generally sees things from her perspective, which is natural. I doubt that she can truly understand what it is like to live by yourself for over a year, because she would never do it. She needs people, while I on the other hand can take or leave them.

Before my sister Hope met Brenda she thought that she must be a real outgoing kind of person and this makes sense. More than once bouncy people have dragged me to do things in their misguided attempt to bring me out of my shell. The silly things that people do.

I will confess that overly happy people frighten me, because I imagine that they must be on drugs. What is even worse is that they sometimes are on drugs. Shiny, happy people.

Its not really in me to wander from one person to another. Before I started to see Brenda someone asked me what I was looking for in a relationship. Sex, comfort, companionship and a few others requirements were offered up. I found it strange that a woman would break the concept of a relationship into such distinct categories. Now, however, I think that is the way most women view relationships or that is how they are taught to see them. I wonder if this is to counteract the stereotype that women will be overcome by emotions when it comes to men.

The shadow of psychology will never be lifted from our eyes.

I wouldn't mock psychology so much if it were labeled a religion rather than a science, because like a religion it causes as many problems as it attempts to solve.

Between the articles about the latest trends in hairstyles and how to reduce visible panty lines, Cosmopolitan magazine sometimes says something that is worthwhile about how men and women relate to one another. Even though these articles exist, I really wonder if when Brenda reads the same article she interprets it the same way as me. I believe that no would be the correct answer here.

None of what I have said here is new. People talk about couples all of the time. Its essential to the way that we live. Comedians, poets, filmmakers and novelists all create stories that try to explain what happens when a man meets a woman or vice versa. The only difference here is that I am personally involved in the action. It isn't happening to someone else. Its me and there are times when I don't know what I want to do next.

The future is not fixed, but I can make some educated guesses as to what might happen.

I seem to be stuck with a limited palette when it comes to writing and every so often it starts to bother me. Primary colors are familiar and soothing and so are simple sentences. Each of them stands by itself and exists complete without any help. They make sense and compliment one another. Maybe I should be more daring and write with a different approach and see if I like it or not. In the past I have found that experimentation is easier on paper when I am holding a brush rather than a pen. Besides it takes time to develop a style that works.

Well, I just convinced myself not to get more elaborate with my writing.

I already knew that I wasn't the most popular person on Open Pages, but I miss a few days and people disappear in droves. For some reason that really hurt me.