Moment of Panic

Last night after I had written my entry Brenda had called and said that she was going out for a drink after work. I guess that I must have gotten the days switched when she had off, because she was closing the store. Today was her day off. When she did get home I was already in bed, but she climbed in and snuggled with me before she went to watch some television.

All that I can say is that a hug can do wonders for a person or at least it can for me. Physical contact is healthy. I also love to watch her undress when she comes home from work. Yes, I am a man and I like looking at her body. Brenda sometimes thinks that I am only interested in sex from her and nothing else. Sigh. I know from past experience that this is an unfair argument that will not end quietly. Oh, I am not denying that I like sex with her, but we can't be doing it all of the time. I also hope that she likes having sex with me. She must enjoy it or she would have gotten rid of me long ago.

Despite all that I have said I believe that the misunderstanding from the other day seems to have been lifted.

I question myself why I complain about Brenda at times. My only response is that I am human and I have limits. I will also admit that the nights when she works are good for us. It makes me appreciate her more when she is away and I have the time that I need to be myself. Its like pushing the reset button on the two of us.

On the other hand I did spend part of last night wondering when she would walk through the door, because I knew that I would have to log off when she did. The jealousy still lingers when it comes to the computer. I was also wondering if she was still angry with me.

The emotional ride that I put myself through is amazing if not exhaustive. In my mind I conjure up all sorts of scenarios that might happen between Brenda and myself. Dialogue that has never been spoken flows through my mind. Eventually I am in the midst of a group of self made alternate realities that block out what is real. Maybe all of this is a result of the budding writer in me or perhaps my imagination takes advantage of me.

There are times when Brenda can truly make life hard, but falling asleep with her snuggled next to me melts all of that away. This might seem shallow, but it does make me happy. Maybe what I am trying to say is that as long as the good outweighs the bad in our relationship we will be together. Yes, I am a master at stating the obvious.

The latest issue of Cosmopolitan magazine has a compatibility test in it, but in my mind that holds as much validity as a horoscope.

I generally like to follow through on something once I start it. Yes, I'll admit that in the space of one sentence I have managed to eliminate any trace of romance between Brenda and myself, but I am trying to make a point here. There are those that say people need to work at a relationship. It just isn't going to happen and I can see some truth in that statement. This might also explain why it took me so long to leave Tracy. I knew that we were going downhill, but I thought that I could stop it and make it better. I was wrong. Tracy said that I never gave her or us a chance and I am dreading the day that I hear something similar said to me by Brenda.

I neglected to mention that I bought the Buzz Aldrin book last night. So far the book is much more personal than the last one that I read. Moon Shot was more of a high level account of the space program with some personal elements here and there. Return to Earth is just one man telling his story.

Last night when I was going through my archives, I stopped to read some of them. Usually I write an entry and then move on. My past exists and there is nothing that I can do to change it. Sometimes I stumble and fall. Other times I learn something about myself.

Looking back I saw the early entries where I was still complaining about Tracy. These are followed by my surprise when Gus and Alan took notice of my little project. Then the Omaha trip is detailed. A change in landlords took place upon my return. Winter followed soon after and Brenda entered the picture at the beginning of the year. Its all very disorienting even to me, but it does manage to form a picture. Perhaps a slightly melodramatic picture, but a picture of who I am and what I have done for the past nine months does emerge from the chaos. Of course I remember all of it, but to see it in print is strange.

September 17th will be my one year anniversary and I am looking forward to it, but it won't be the end. Like I said above, when I start something I like to see it through to the end and one year will not be the end.

Brenda and I went to see her aunt tonight. They have power again. It was back on yesterday.

After the visit we rented The Rainmaker, which will be my topic for tomorrow.

 

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