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Brenda's side of the story I never appreciated her enough
Saying that we weren't right for one another may be true, but it doesn't make me feel any better. "You do it to yourself you do and that's what really hurts is you do it to yourself just you, you and no-one else you do it to yourself" - Radiohead I think that I will go out of town for tonight and tomorrow. I can clean my house Tuesday night. The mess will be waiting for me when I return. 1:30 PM I really need to get a grip on reality. I was at the gas station when I saw my downstairs neighbors. I told them that I would be at their wedding. Vicki asked me if I was bringing Brenda. Ugh. I was fine until someone mentioned her name aloud to me. So I was on my way up north, when I decided to see if Brenda was home. Her place isn't that far out of my way. She wasn't home, but the woman who sits outside the building to smoke was there to insure my new stalker status. Sigh. I know that Brenda will not speak to me. Its part of her character. When I left four months ago, she said that she usually does not call people. At that point I knew that she cared. Now I guess that I have pushed her too far or she wants to find someone new. In some ways it would be better that she was with someone else, because she really isn't good at being by herself. Going away would be exactly what I did after Tracy and I went our separate ways. I had a week long vacation set aside in October. The two of us were to go visit her father and sisters in Arkansas. Since we were no longer together I spent a week at my grandma's house with a brief visit to see my brother at school. Well, here I am at home saving money. Besides a five hour drive in my frame of mind probably would not be a good idea. 4:30 PM The heat inside the house is starting to get to me. My new plan is to drive out to my parents and set my telescope up out there. An hour drive is more reasonable than a five hour one. I guess that what it comes down to is that Brenda probably has a better support system than I do. I am sure that work is keeping her busy and she can spend more time with her aunt now that I am gone. Her aunt was big sister and surrogate mother to Brenda. The only time that Brenda disagreed with her when was her aunt did not like me. My family is sympathetic to my situation, but I really don't want to hang out with them either. Its not as though I have a close circle of friends that I hang out with on a regular basis. All of my emotional energy went into Brenda. She was my social contact. Maybe a month from now all of this will be behind me. At the very least I will be working nights again and they won't seem as strange without Brenda.
audio input at the moment: The Bends - Radiohead
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