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Still sorting through it 1:00 AM I never did go to my parents house. Instead I went for a bike ride around the neighborhood. After I showered, I knew that I just had to get out of the house. Being alone with my thoughts was too much for me. I didn't feel like going to my parents, so I stopped by my aunt's place. After some talking with her I believe that it probably is for the best that Brenda and I are no longer seeing one another. Brenda will not call me, because in her mind it is over. I, however, am still sifting through some loose ends. I have already made two attempts to finalize what happened and I have gotten no response. The day I moved my stuff out I wrote a note saying that I tried as hard as I could and that she would find someone who would want to raise a family with her. Writing that line was very painful for me and I am sure that it hurt Brenda even though she might have been able to sense it. Then at the bottom I had written that she knew where to reach me. I also asked her not to hate me. She tried in her way to end it on Saturday, but it was awkward. Then I come back on Sunday with this confusing note. I want to be with her yet I want it to be different. I want more say in us as a couple. My fear is that this will never happen. I know that people can not change and I am tired of changing for people or having them try to change me. The possibility exists that if I went to Brenda and said that I was willing to compromise that she would take me back. I would be giving in to what she wants from me, because she will not compromise. Her point of view is that I had eight months to make up my mind about us. To compound the problem, her biological clock is ticking and she doesn't want to wait any longer. She wants a man with her who will do what she wants and give her a baby. From the very beginning she was very up front about this fact. I don't think that I want to be that person anymore. Nor do I want to enter back into something where my word seems unimportant. I also don't want to bring another life into this world where the parents can not be with one another. Raising a family would be hard enough on me, but with Brenda it would be even harder. Something tells me that I would become the primary caregiver, because Brenda is so concerned about her career. My concerns always seem less important. Brenda very much likes to be in control and she is a hard person to please. I liked making her happy, but I want to be happy as well. Yes, there were times that we were happy, but maybe there weren't enough of them. Ending it here prevents any more pain in the future. There are no children involved and we both have our own stuff. I never want to face a divorce or suffer under the yoke of child support. Yes, I agree that raising a family is important, but it takes so much time and energy. I started to wonder if I would have enough of myself to give for Brenda and a child. I just have to face the future by myself and learn to be more definite with my decisions. Making decisions where emotions are involved is never easy for me. I question myself time and time again. She was looking for more commitment from me and I was looking for more emotional feedback from her. After eight months of being with Brenda, she is still a very guarded person. Yes, I know about her personal habits and I have seen her with her guard down, but something was missing. I remember saying at one time that she lacked a soul. This line may not be the best way to describe it, but she didn't always reach me. She was supportive in her way, but I think that we both failed one another at times. i couldn't get overly excited about her business mindset and some of what she liked to do bored me. I want so much more from life than just making money or sitting around drinking beer. I keep telling myself to just walk away and that I will feel better someday. I don't regret the past eight months that I spent with Brenda. Maybe she will change her mind about me and listen to what I have to say. Or maybe she wants someone else. I don't want to talk about this anymore. All that I am doing is making myself miserable. I need to get some sleep. 8:00 AM I hate the words dumper and dumpee. Neither of them take into consideration the emotions of the people involved in a relationship. I woke at my usual time this morning. If I dreamnt anything, none of it has stayed with me. I need to keep busy so that mind doesn't wander toward Brenda. 7:45 PM Part of the afternnon was spent doing some ironing and the rest was spent doing some general cleaning. I called Brenda this morning. She was still asleep and she said that she would call back. I was unsure at what time she would call so I went for a bike ride. Naturally she called while I was gone. She has reached the conclusion that maybe are differences are insurmountable. This used to be my sole mantra, but now she has adopted it. I, on the other hand, have come to accept some of what she does and I don't want to walk away just yet. As misguided as some people might think it may be, I want to try just once more time. It felt so good just to hear the sound of her voice. She had wanted to call me and had picked up the phone more than once last week, but just couldn't follow through with the call. It was either too late at night or too early. Yes, I am still very much on her mind. Brenda kept telling me that I have all of the computer time that I want now. Computer time is not what I want though. Its not a goal in my life to spend as much time as possible on the computer. I do like some human contact. I do not want to be the boy in the plastic bubble. I wasn't squirming the entire eight months that we were together. We were pretty happy until my mom made about a comment about the two of us being desperate. Brenda took this very hard and felt even worse when I did not defend her against my mother. That one statement has hung over us ever since. I can not undo the damage that has been done. Brenda does not want to force me to make a decision between my family and her. She said that it would be unfair to me. Her fear is that my family will be like her ex-husband's family. I guess that they walked out of the wedding early. Brenda does not want to go through this again. Brenda knew that I was hestitating about us getting a place together. She also knew that I had concerns about having a child. I told her some of my concerns and she pointed out all that she had done for me. She also said that she always appreciated what I did for her. She just felt that I took advantage of her and never fully appreciated her. Quite simply I have hurt her and she doesn't know where to go next. So we have agreed that we need time apart. What this will become, I can not say. Maybe we will just walk away from one another after a month. I don't know anymore. 9:00 PM Tonight I have reverted back to my old ways. I am lying on my old couch from college reading the New Yorker with classical music in the background. Soon the light of the moon will be shining through the window. I sound as though I am forty five year old man who should be smoking a pipe as I read. For me this simple little ritual is how I bring myself together. Its my moment in time where I am simply me. There are no distractions. No one is talking to me and I can focus on myself. Its my way of being spiritual.
audio input at the moment: classical music station
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