|
California Dan returns I still have moments of emotional pain in the early morning hours. Most of this happens when I am on the edge of waking up, because my mind doesn't have the barriers completely in place yet. These moments of vulnerability allow thoughts of Brenda to enter my mind. I know that this will fade with time. I lived for twenty-seven years without her and I am sure that my life will carry on even now. Just last year she was here in Milwaukee, but I was unaware of her. We may even have driven past one another on the same road and never known the difference. We were strangers a year ago and her life had no impact on mine. Now all of that has changed even though she is not around me anymore, because I am very aware of her as a person. She is no longer a face in the crowd to me. I know her hopes and her dreams. Since I still wake up at five every morning even on days when I don't work, I lingered on the couch until seven trying to decide what I wanted to do today. Lingering there let my mind slip back into a dream where I was cuddling with a friend of Brenda's for some reason. I'm not really attracted to this woman, it just felt nice to be near her. Nothing sexual happened, we just held one another in the dream. I miss being able to hold Brenda and vice versa. Since I am so cautious about people invading my personal space, I really cherish the people who I do allow to touch me. I had better stop here before I start to sound too much like Rainman. Late last night my telephone rang, but by the time that I had answered it the person had hung up. When I did the star sixty-nine routine, I didn't recognize the number. Later when I checked my messages this morning I found out that the call was from my friend Dan in California. The crazy bastard called about my Sundays cd that I had left at his place almost a year ago before he moved to California. Then as always he left me an incredibly long and detailed message about what is new in his life. He is putting out an album or cd or whatever one might call it these days. One of his demos tapes that was floating around was picked up by a label. So now he is forming a band and cutting an actual release. My life is too weird. I never would have expected to hear from him now. Dan had just left for California when Brenda and I started seeing one another. He cautioned me then and perhaps he was right. He also knew some serious heartbreak firsthand. The woman that he was engaged to liked to sleep with other men. Dan found this out after living with her for about a year. I could be wrong about the length of time, but it happened when they were living together. Dan forgave her and was willing to take her back, but she didn't stop. All of this sent Dan into therapy for a time and he wrote some incredibly sad songs during this period. I don't think that he has looked at women quite the same since that happened to him. I called California Dan this morning and spent an hour on the phone catching up on what has been going on with him. He hasn't changed and I hope that this record deal works out for him. I am also looking forward to seeing him in either December or January. Dan suggested that I just enjoy my free time for a while and see what happens. He was also slightly concerned that I don't have any guy friends to just hang around with on the weekends or whatever. What he said about me not having friends to hang with is true. Most of my friends seem to get left behind when I start to see a new woman. My big event for today was assembling the new computer desk that I had bought. It took me a few hours to put it together, but it looks good. Brenda had one at her place that I used, but before today my computer used to sit on my kitchen table. The scenario was a little odd. A piece of technology from the nineteen nineties was sitting on a piece of furniture from the nineteen fifties. I want to make some other decorating changes in my apartment. Somewhere down the line I am probably going to bring a woman here and I want the place to look nice. I doubt that my next girlfriend will only come over to my place three times in eight months. I spoke with Gretchen this evening. She's married to one of my roommates from college. Actually I knew her before I knew Miles and I introduced the two of them to one another. I must have done something right, because they celebrated their one year anniversary on the sixth of this month. While talking with her about my current situation, my college girlfriend, Darcy, came up. Gretchen suggested that I get in touch with her again. It doesn't have to be romantic, it would be nice to see what she is doing now. Of the last three women that I have dated, she was the best for me. Darcy and I really connected. We had so much fun together that I still smile when I think about her. We kept in contact for two years after we graduated until we has a small falling out. Then Tracy entered my life and I lost touch with Darcy. Tomorrow I'll talk some more about Darcy. She is definitely worth a full entry.
visual input at the moment: Highlander
|