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Interior decorating My place looks much nicer with the addition of the computer desk. The decor seems more modern and even with more furniture in it surprisingly more open. The next part of the house that I need to revamp is the bedroom. New curtains and a lamp are a definite change that has to happen, but I'm not sure if I want to invest in a real bed or not. If I do buy one, it'll be a chore getting it up through the winding stairwell. I remember getting my couch wedged in the stairwell when I moved in here and I don't want to repeat that problem. The house is starting to reflect the next stage in my life, where the computer has become more important to me than creating art. I no longer paint or draw and I'm not sure why anymore. The last time that I had a part of the house designated as a studio was three years ago. All of this creativity was before I met Tracy and Brenda. Somewhere in there it seems to have left me. My work schedule is starting to resemble Brenda's style. Due to some Y2K testing with customers, I had to work today. I'll also be working this Saturday doing some disaster recovery stuff. None of this really bothers me right now, because I could use the money. After work I cleaned the mess that I had created the day before when I was assembling my computer desk. Then I sat down and ate some of the fish that I had grilled last night. All in all its very uneventful and completely ordinary. My life has become very organized once again since it is just me. I have time to think again. Sometimes my thoughts are pleasant and rewarding. Other times I do feel a sense of loss. Then I remember that life is short and I should do my best to enjoy it. The past can not be changed and I always have the future. Being with Brenda brought many things to the surface in my mind and the topic of children was one of them. People have children for so many reasons. Some of them are good and some of them are not. A new life may be something planned and anxiously awaited or it might be something that was not wanted, but must be accepted. As I have said before I have reached a stage in my life where the women my age are thinking about starting a family if they do not already have children. The amount of emotional energy in the single word children is amazing. A child can be so many things. There is so much potential there. A child causes a person to rethink their priorities in life. A parent has to devote their life to their child. Life is no longer easy and free of responsibility when one is a parent. None of this is new to me. In the brief time that I lived with Tracy and Christopher, many different emotions went through me about what it meant to be a parent. I experienced potty training and daycare for a whole summer. I was the primary caregiver in that scenario. He may not have been my child, but I did my best for him. Yes, I am sure that may not seem like much to people who are parents twenty-four hours a day for years, but it was all new to me. Of course there are those who say that I am not ready to be a parent or I am selfish if I do not want to have children. At this exact moment I couldn't really say what my feelings are about children. I just don't know anymore. Dan said that I should just relax and enjoy my free time. He also jokingly refers to my place as my fortress of solitude. On the other hand I could be one of those loser guys that starts trolling high schools and colleges. Why don't seventeen year old girls realize that their twenty something boyfriends are probably losers? Something tells me that it must all be hormonal. Career wise I have reached a point that I have never had before and I am happy. Yes, it may have been nice to be at this level five years ago when I graduated, but that is not what happened. I just need to keep moving forward from here. Maybe I'll talk about Darcy and me tomorrow.
visual input at the moment: The Piano
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