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Jude the Obscure I wasted most of the morning feeling sorry for myself and this really has got to stop. All that I need to do is plan my weekends and I am sure that I will start to feel better. Just sitting around doesn't change anything in my life. What I should have done was get on my bike and rode for a few hours. Looking back at what I wrote a year ago, it seems that I have changed very little since then. I am back to buying furniture and trying to decide what I want to do next with my life. Even a year ago I knew that I needed to make the next step in my life. I am young, but I am not a college student any more and my surroundings should reflect who I am. A month has passed and I think that I have put Brenda behind me. I am sure that she has moved on and there is very little unfinished business between us. She does have a few things that belong to me, but most of these are minor things such as razor blades and some shaving cream. She said that I am supposed to come and get them sometime. All of this can be replaced, so I haven't gone over to get the stuff. She does have one thing that I value. She has the coat of mine that she didn't want her friends to see me wearing. I guess that she can keep it as a reminder that you can't make people be something that you want them to be. Maybe if I went there the meeting would be cordial. I just don't know. I really don't feel like trading insults. My advice to Brenda would be that she needs to be more responsive to what might interest her next boyfriend. Not everyone can cater to her every need. I would also tell her that the past should not overshadow her future. Each boyfriend should be seen as someone new and not someone that has to overcome her past. Finally the most important thing to remember is that there is so much more to life than your job. Best Buy always struck me as being a fascist organization that knew that it could survive with its ever changing underpaid and unskilled workforce. A career is not made by wearing a nametag, despite what Brenda believes. Maybe I am wrong and she will be working for the corporate office in Minneapolis a year from now. Yes, there were times that I was morally opposed to what she did for a living. She hired and fired on a weekly basis. Her staff was nothing more than high school students and people with no other job skills. I held my tongue though and supported her as best I could. She of course said that I didn't do enough for her. Sigh. Well, I guess that she has her chance to find someone else now. I will not call her. She can call me, but I refuse to sound pathetic by calling her and feeding her ego. I suddenly sound like I am in high school again, but that is how I feel. Common sense says that former lovers can not be friends unless there is something still there. What usually happens is that one person is unable to let go and move forward with their life. I find it interesting that I divide my life into blocks of time and these blocks tend to revolve around what girlfriend I had at the time. There was the era of Darcy followed by the age of Tracy. Now I am leaving the Brenda phase of my life. Since I was home most of the day, I cleared away all of the debris in my livingroom this afternoon. I have a habit of putting things into piles and they were starting to mulitply. I knew that I had to get rid of them, because I couldn't stand it anymore. All of my paperwork has moved to my desk. Instead of watching the football game, I decided to be pretentious and watched the film Jude with Kate Winslet this afternoon. Without a doubt, it was the most depressing thing that I have seen in a long time. The story was unfamiliar to me, so I was completely shocked by the ending. The one line of dialogue that stayed with me was this: Should a man follow his dreams or give in slowly and let life lead him where it will? Thomas Hardy is another author whose books I know, but have never read. Years ago I started Far From the Maddening Crowd, but never finished it. I still believe that Titanic was the worst work that Kate Winslet has ever done. Then again I am not a sixteen year old girl. In an effort to gear up for the Rollins tour, I bought the latest spoken word cd by him today. I bought it at a smaller music chain. Best Buy does not need my business and I doubt that they carry Rollins spoken word stuff. It will be a long time before I set foot in a Best Buy again. Oh, I know that it is silly, but it makes me feel better. On a health note, I seem to have lost all of the weight that I gained when I lived with Brenda. My intake of beer and fast food has gone down considerably and my jeans feel good on me again. When I do finally make the switch to third I plan on riding my bike in the morning after work. I still need to regain some tone and may start using the gym at work.
audio input at the moment: Think Tank - Henry Rollins
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