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Reactionary stance One would think that I would have more to write when I have the day off from work. I have as much time as I want to scribble down all of the silly things that go on in my head. There is nothing between the keyboard and me. The only problem is that at the moment I seem to be at a standstill. I am in the midst of a dead calm despite the winds outside. Dead Calm. I have always believed that this is a great little movie. I have no idea how well it did when it was released, but its a cable filler favorite of mine. Whenever it is on, I have to sit and watch it to the end. Its a simple story of three characters out on the open sea trying to stay alive. Sam Neil, Nicole Kidman and the ever lovable Billy Zane who Kate Winslet spurned in Titanic were great in this killer on the sea picture. Maybe I do better when I have something to react to when it comes to writing. The entries probably seem more calm than the Brenda months. Without a doubt, she certainly added some conflict to my life. If this was good or bad doesn't matter anymore, because its all in the past now. Some people might think that I need someone to live my life through or that I am looking for someone to complete my life. Well that thinking would be wrong. For the most part my life was still the same with Brenda with some added stress. We did about the same amount of stuff socially speaking that I do now. Its not as though we went out every night. It was just the two of us most of the time and that was fine with me. She wanted more though. No. None of this is coming out right. Brenda is becoming more and more of an abstract and I use her as merely an example of how I relate to some people. More often than not I only reveal a small part of myself. Agh. No, when I was with Brenda I was a toned down version of myself. I didn't talk about things that I like in life, because they were usually met with blank expressions. I was so much more complex than Brenda. Oh, I know that sounds arrogant, but her world was so limited. It was her job and her family. Yes, there is nothing wrong with this but I couldn't seem to fit myself within that world. I wanted something else. Maybe this gives her the right to regard me the way she does now. Its funny, but both Tracy and Brenda seemed to think that I was looking for a ready made wife who cooks and does all of the chores. I must give the impression that I am a simple conservative midwest boy looking to settle down and raise a family. They tried to capture me with a cliche. It seems that the idea that a way to man's heart is through his stomach still lives on in the minds of some women. Oh, I did appreciate it, but it wasn't a requirement from me. Then if I didn't express my gratitude quick enough, it meant that I wasn't appreciating them. The family idea was understandable with Tracy, because a child was involved. With Brenda the child was somewhere in the future. Ah, I had better stop here before I reduce both of them even more than I already have here in the space of a few paragraphs. Both of them have gone on without me and I go on without them. Its all very simple. Once again I have created my own little world where I wander and never seem to move forward. Is this self pity? No. Is this boredom? No. I seem to be to trying to decide what I want to do next. The elements pushed my insulating efforts to the limit today. I could see the plastic billowing on my southern window as wind gusts of fifty to sixty miles an hour pushed against it. The membrane would breathe in and out as I stood there wonderng if it was really worth the effort. Then later in the day the wind won over the plastic. The seal broke and the curtains moved with the breeze. I have a feeling that it won't hold through the night. I didn't leave enough of a margin on the bottom edge to fight the strain of the wind. Besides why should I expect the plastic to hold when the windows themselves are rattling from the wind. Not only is the wind rattling my windows, but I can feel it coming in through the cracks of my porch door. I guess that I better get that caulk in the next few days. With all of this wind, I have to wonder if the downstairs portion of the house is just a drafty. Maybe I'll ask them tomorrow. If the wind keeps up tomorrow, I think that I'll sleep in my bedroom for the first time in weeks. The wind isn't coming in through that window and I can close the door to keep the heat in with me. I'll also be able to avoid hearing the crackling from the plastic which is just as annoying as a dripping faucet. What I am hoping is that the power doesn't go out during the night. Some people have already lost power and the lights did flicker here for a moment. From what I saw on television we only got the wind and not the snow so I shouldn't complain. Minnesota was hit much harder than Wisconsin. They say that this winter is going to be harsh and I suppose that it is to be expected, because the last two winters were mild. The most productive thing that I did all day was take care of the shaggy locks on my head. Now I'm all prepped and ready for a family appearance on Thanksgiving. My copy of Solipsist came today and Henry is the same as ever. His writing is so brutal with one emotion after another, but that's why I like it. The energy that comes through is so compelling and strange. Harmonica. I love the sound of a harmonica.
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