maybe more later
Sex, desire and longing are not foreign concepts to me. I just try not to think about them that much. One might call it suppression, but I try to keep busy and focus on other things. Besides I seem to have a habit of going without any kind of physical contact for a year at a time and then try to make up for it with the new girlfriend. Oh, without a doubt, there are days when I am massively horny, but I don't really see that as being that insightful so I don't mention it that often.
Then there are moments when it would be nice to have someone next to me to hold. I can remember Tracy curling up next to me and resting her head on my chest. It would have to be a certain spot and then she was happy. Once she had found it she would tell me about my heartbeat and I would instantly become aware of it. Only when I am close to someone do I become so conscious of what my body is doing.
Darcy used a shampoo that made her hair smell like apples. I have no idea if it was a cheap or expensive shampoo, but it doesn't matter. It will always be something that I associate with her and I miss it. I find it hard to believe that has been almost seven years ago since I last held her. There was the time that we went to the Art Institute of Chicago a couple of years later, but it wasn't the same then.
I think that I can truthfully say that none of my old girlfriends were attracted to me for the same reason. With each of them it was a new experience. Something new drew them to me and they would express their feelings for me in their own way. Each of them touched me a little differently be it with their hands or lips.
I find it odd that such totally different women would be attracted to me. Of course I was a little different each time as well. Subtle changes in me happened through the years. This brings up another thought. More than once I have wished that I could have the twenty-one year old version of me and the current version in the same room and let them hash it out. It would be great. I know that I can't change the past, but it would be great to see myself interact with a younger version.
I sincerely doubt that any of my former girlfriends would get along with each other except maybe to bash me.
Maybe some people might call this loneliness, but these are the kind of thoughts that go through my mind at four in the morning on a Sunday.
I am always amazed at the variety of topics that cross my mind through the course of a day and today was certainly one of them.
Early this morning at work I read an article in The New Yorker about women selling their eggs for money, which bothered me slightly. Something about the idea of people making a profit from selling parts of their body is unsettling to me. The article was quick to point out that only sperm and eggs can be legally sold in the United States. People can not make make a profit on selling kidneys or other body parts. After I read about the process that a woman has to go through to stimulate the production of the eggs, it seemed even more extreme.
Maybe it didn't help that the woman who was the focus of the article was not doing it for altruistic reasons. She was simply in it for the money. I had to ask myself if there wasn't a better way to make money. Her response when asked this question in the article was that she might be working for Hooters if she didn't have this option.
The article kept stressing that she was an intelligent woman who was studying to be a lawyer and had passed numerous psychological tests before she was accepted into the program. I guess this was supposed to lead me to believe that she hadn't reached this decision on a whim.
All of this made me wonder how many women see their body as a way of making money. In the past I have heard women joking say that they could always turn to prostitution or stripping if they needed money, but I just find this hard to accept. Of course television often airs interviews with strippers who are in the middle of getting their masters degree so it must be common in some parts of the country. Then I have also read accounts where prostitution was legal in ancient times and was viewed as a viable profession.
Maybe I really am naive about these things.
Of course the ironic part of the procedure is that if they do it once too often they themselves might end up being sterile.
After I got home I ate a small breakfast and watched the Ken Burns documentary on Lewis and Clark again. What they did still amazes me no matter how many times I watch that program.
Most of the evening was spent spent watching television starting with documentaries on amusement parks and beaches and ending up learning about the history surrounding the Wisconsin river. It started with the various Native American tribes that once lived there being forcibly removed and moved forward to the logging industry being replaced with tourism. I guess that I really don't know my state very well.