|
almost content Today was slightly better than yesterday or at the very least I felt like less of a zombie. My motivational level was just high enough to get some grocery shopping done. I just kept piling whatever appealed to me into the shopping cart until I walked away with a hundred dollars worth of food, which should last me the rest of the month. I guess having eaten a week's worth of homemade food at my grandma's house made my steady diet of submarine sandwiches at home seem less appealing. After I finished putting the groceries away, I briefly pondered seeing a movie, but nothing seemed worthwhile to me. I was not in the mood for a comedy like the Mystery Men and I positively refuse to see Spinal Tap Goes Camping. Other people like to call it The Blairwitch Project, but I think my title is more accurate. The hype surrounding the movie has made it impossible for me to be objective about it. Then the next thing I did today was upset my father. My uncle was in town and I think my father hoped that I would come over to visit, but I really wasn't in a social mood. The idea of making the hour drive to their place and then leaving from there to go to work didn't sound like a fun time. All that I wanted to do was hang out at my place. If I went there struggling to be polite, there wouldn't be any chance of getting a nap before I went into work. I suppose this sounds selfish, but it seemed like the right decision and I hope that they understand. Part of me is tired of summer, but this might be because I am almost out of vacation time. It doesn't matter to me how nice the weather might be, when I can't take time off from work to enjoy any of it. I suppose that if I look back at the year I did manage four vacations, which I should view as a success compared to a year ago. Most of last summer was spent doing things that I didn't like just to make someone else happy. Besides I am looking forward to autumn, my favorite time of the year. The usual questions of self-doubt have started to come back to haunt me. At first it starts broad with me wondering if I am doing the right thing with my life, then it builds from there. Should I be trying harder at work? Am I pushing myself enough? Should I be going back to school to learn more about what I do for a living? Should I have next year planned out in advance? Am I wasting my life? Then I step back, take a deep breath and realize that I am fine. Financially I am in the best shape that I have been in years. My job pays enough that I am able to put some aside for vacations and other fun things. I could even afford a house next year if I tried hard enough. I also realize that I am still young and healthy and I don't need to have if all figured out just yet. Not knowing where I might be a year from now is not that awful of a thing. Most of my life has been unplanned with me concentrating on the present with just a few tentative plans for the future. It might be the only element of risk in my otherwise rather ordinary middle class life. There are times when I doubt that my life will ever truly be fixed. As long as I only have to worry about myself, I am sure that I will continue to drift from job to job every few years. My interests change so often that I can't see myself locked in at any one place for any length of time. Of course something may happen in the future to change everything, but until then I am going to keep living the way that I do. I don't see this outlook on life as a sign of me being immature or irresponsible. I prefer to see myself as being just a bit unorthodox at times. Actually I might even say that this may be as close to having it all together that I get when it comes to my life. Then again most people try to paint themselves in a good light.
|