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no hurricane here Tomorrow will be the start of the third year for the online journal and I still find it hard to believe that I managed to keep this silly project going for as long as I have. I certainly wouldn't attribute it to massive amounts of dedication. There have been many days when I just wanted to forget about it completely, because the motivation behind it had disappeared. If I had to put a value on it, I would have to say that my devotion to the journal wanes at least once a month. Suddenly the drive for writing will be gone, but I'll keep stumbling forward in the hope that it will get better. It almost frightens me that I could ramble on about myself for the length of time that I have here. What makes it even more odd is that other people actually sat there and listened to me jabber. Obviously curiosity is a factor. People like to know how others think and so do I. At best this creates a better understanding of a person while at its worst it is simply gawking. I'll be the first to admit that quite often what I write comes across as fairly dull and isn't the best gawking material, but I do the best that I can. I honestly try not to drone, because even I have a low tolerance for droning. So in a fit of somewhat twisted reasoning I tell myself that even mundane moments can hold some kind of insight. I tell myself that life really isn't a series of dramatic acts, most of the time it's just moving the props around the stage. Ah yes a bad metaphor to the rescue of a dying paragraph. Then mixed in amongst the dull reports of daily life are the self-depreciating ones. I try to keep these to a minimum and wince when I go back and read them. Too often people are their own worst critic and end up inflicting the most damage upon themselves and I want to avoid that as much as possible. Thankfully every once in a while I say something that makes sense and has some kind of value to it. I think that it is these small moments in time that keep me trying every day to make the journal a little better. On the other hand I know that when I step back from the journal, I find all of it to be very self indulgent, but that hasn't stopped me yet. Even I have an ego that I like to feed. Over time I've watched my popularity rise and fall without me doing anything to promote the site. The times that I seem to get the most feedback is when I am the most melodramatic, but that doesn't happen very often. Even now I find it odd that someone would check on what goes on here. Maybe they see something that I am missing. I'm not sure how much if at all I've changed from when I started writing here. It isn't very often that I make concrete declarations about my life and where I see myself going. Nor do I think that I will start to do that kind of thing. Usually I just drift through life the best that I can and it seems to work for me. Longtime readers know that the journal started out with the title of going through the motions and part of that still holds true. There are days when I'm almost completely detached from the rest of the world. I step away from everything around me almost to the point of not being human anymore. Maybe this is odd, but it is who I am as I continue fostering a Zen persona while having no real idea what I am doing in life. Ah, hell, I just want to be Henry Rollins so that I can travel the world talking about myself. Time to start working out and get a few tattoos.
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