|
cold and colorless I'm not really sure how to describe my current mood. The end of the year is nearly here and I could care less. Oh, I have a vague idea of what I want to accomplish in the coming year, but at the moment the world outside my window seems dull and lifeless. Winter is here and with it comes a mild depression and urge to just take things slightly slower. Huddling under blankets on the couch and reading a book becomes the ideal activity. My sister Hope is thinking of moving to California to be with her boyfriend and part of me wonders if this is going to work. To me she still seems so young, but it is her life and she seems to know what she wants in life. She has some kind of ring, but being male I'm never quite sure how much of a commitment this represents to a woman. I have never bought a woman jewelry and I have no idea where I would start. A small sadistic part of me would like to experience a Mad Max environment for a week or so in the coming year. It would give humanity a chance to show its underbelly and definitely thin the herd. Already I can envision mass looting and chaos in major cities. Gangs and various militia groups would take over and do battle in the streets, while the government tried to establish martial law. The average family would be lost and confused as they hid within their houses. The worst part of this vision is that the media would still probably exist in some form and be reporting on it as much as possible. Actually now that I think about it some more most of this imagery is coming from various forms of science fiction that I've read over the years. Sigh. I am in a very Henry Rollins state of mind. Personally I truly doubt that anything will happen when the clock changes over and if it does I'll be at work behind three secured doors and surrounded by people. I am feeling restless again. I need to get away from my job, my house and the state of Wisconsin in general, but I can't. Due to the end of year madness, vacation has been put on hold where I work until at least next February. There is a slight chance that we might be able to take a day off toward the end of next month, but that has yet to be decided. With this lockdown in effect, the possibility of jury duty in January almost sounds good. It would have given me an escape for just a little while. The state is still caught in the early ugly stages of winter where the sky lacks color and salt coats the cars. I don't mind the cold, but the scenery needs to change. A solid coating of white would be preferable to the browns and gray that we have now. At the moment Wisconsin is a far cry from being a winter wonderland and my emotional mood is matching my surroundings. The concept of romance has been absent from my life for over a year now. Part of that is due to my not making any effort at all. Then there is the small matter of the hours that I keep and my ever shrinking social life. At first I think that I should change that in the coming year, but then I think about it some more and I think that maybe I shouldn't bother. Being involved with someone is never a simple process for me. Somehow after a time, being part of a couple becomes a battle of wills and this is something that I do not miss. Suddenly this person who I thought was my friend, becomes my enemy. The arguments start and things that have been building come to the surface and all that I want to do is go back to the beginning. Then again I have heard it said over and over again that women marry hoping to change their mate and men hope that their mate never changes. No matter how much I may care about a woman, I can not be with someone twenty-four hours a day. Nor can I be continually entertaining someone. Nor can I be talkative all of the time. Yet in the past I've been with women who want all of these needs met and can't understand why I canít do it. I imagine that it sounds as though I have certain issues to use a word that I despise, but I prefer to think of it as experience. Once a person reaches a certain age, love is not so simple of an illusion to be fooled by. I am not eighteen or twenty-five anymore. I know that being with someone is a real struggle despite what other people might say. Maybe some woman will come along that will erase all of this negativity that I have, but until that happens I'll probably keep to myself.
|