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method of madness Everyday I pare away so much in these entries before I upload them. There are times when I start out with long rambling close to incoherent thoughts and then I start to edit away until all that I am left with is just a few concise paragrpahs. I try to avoid repeating myself and over analyzing things. I seek simplicity and sometimes this does drain most of the emotional content, but it seems to be what works best for me. I guess rather than letting the journal be a record of conflicting emotions and thoughts, it becomes the end result of what I want to win inside my mind. The entry is the final product of my thought process not the journey that it took to get there. Maybe this might not be the best way to connect with other people or make for more interesting reading, but it is how I function. I also have to wonder if this makes sense to anyone but myself. ... Oh, there are times when I question my ambition in life or envy others who seem to have achieved more than I have so far, but generally speaking I have to say that I am content. I'm not saying that I've resigned myself to my current status just yet, but at the same time I don't feel the need to struggle to climb higher in the business world every day. For example, when things are slow at work, I'm not busy reading about the latest developments in Cisco routers or perusing some of the manuals that we have at our disposal. Nor am I busy revising documentation for our department. More often than not I am reading something that means more to me, be it the most recent issue of The New Yorker or some novel. I don't see my behavior as being lazy either. I think that most of it stems from the suspicion that I might change my career path in a year or two. The idea of me walking away from my current job to do something completely different isn't that unrealistic to me and a small part of me still hopes to have a far more unorthodox job somewhere down the line. Part of this comes from what I have learned in the past seven years of being in the business world. Quite simply the nine to five world just isn't made for me. There are a few possibilities that I have in mind, but I haven't acted upon them and they still lie somewhere in the future. More often than not I see them as dream jobs that may or may not exist. For example, I think that I would be perfectly happy working for a small magazine that discovers new and upcoming writers. Another dream job would be working for National Geographic in some small capacity. I guess I just want anything that isn't the found in the usual suburban view of life.
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