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can't hurry love Without planning it, I fell asleep on the couch today after work. Then the sun and heat woke me a mere four hours later. That is not a good way to start my day and left me in an odd if not disoriented mood. ... I am very reluctant to say what I am going to say. For the most part I have kept Her out of the journal for fear of unwanted advice being offered. Now however I guess that certain things can be revealed. Back in August I was told: I'm really sorry I haven't got a chance to call you, but I think I truly felt like things were moving too fast and I don't know if I am ready for much of anything. Then after I spoke with Her I was told: I guess I'm just not ready for a relationship. I feel like I can hardly function for my daughter and myself on certain days. It takes a lot of energy and time for a relationship and I'm not sure I have either. I don't know if it is really fair to you to have you sitting around waiting for me. Sigh. I did and still do love her, so I waited. We drifted apart through the months of September and October yet I waited. I only saw her once in September and I haven't seen her at all this month. Then over a week ago the email and telephone conversations stopped and I got even more confused. Maybe I am pathetic, but I had to talk with her so I called her this afternoon and we connected. Actually she didn't recognize my voice and at first I wasn't sure it was her on the phone. I didn't see this as a good sign. We talked and said that we would talk again. However my fear is that we will drift even further apart in the coming months. Rather than the holidays bringing us together they will be used as an excuse to not get together. Sigh. Relatives seeing me would raise questions and indicate a move toward a relationship again which I do not think that she wants or if she does she can not do now. Eight years ago I waited for another girlfriend to change her mind. After two years she never did. Then I ended it. I try not to repeat myself and I am not the same person that I was then. Nor are these the same two women. The circumstances are very different. I am still very confused though. Last year at this time I was spending time with Party Girl from class and mooning over J Crew Girl. Then at work there was Ann. Now here I am a year later and I don't talk with anyone in class and I have a girlfriend who can't be with me. I don't know which is worse. I know what an old coworker of mine would say. He would tell me to get back on the horse and ask Bank Teller Girl out. I don't think that I am going to do that though. ... An hour or so has elapsed since the above was written. Girlfriend in a Coma. Dawson's Creek finally had some good music in an episode. Although I have to wonder how many people under the age of twenty-five know of The Smiths and or Morrissey. I mean just last week I had a converation with some coworkers about music from that era and the one person who was twenty-four was completely lost. I think that he thought that we were talking in code. The The. The Cult. New Order. XTC. The Replacements. INXS. World Party. 10,000 Maniacs. Cowboy Junkies. The Cure. Depeche Mode. Ned's Atomic Dustbin. U2. Husker Du. R.E.M. Sunny Day Real Estate. Supreme Love Gods. The Church. Jane's Addiction. Jesus Jones. Soul Asylum. The Stone Roses. The Sundays. Charlatans U.K. Blur. Nirvana. Smashing Pumpkins. Violent Femmes. Talking Heads. The Police. Matthew Sweet. Mazzy Star. The Pogues. Some of those bands are still around and some of them have slowly faded away. Dawson needs to run away as fast as he can from Joey Potter and take Audrey with him. Obviously if he did that then there wouldn't be a program anymore. Sentimental fool that knows nothing. Yes, I love watching other people "suffer" emotional torments. Teen angst transported to college. Now where did I put that Elliott Smith album?
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